I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby (1937 - )
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Arkansas EtiquetteSome Arkansas etiquette tips... My apologies to friends from Texas, North Carolina, West Virginia, and other parts of the country who may feel left out.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 1000 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
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People can be quick, sometimes too quick, to answer a question they think they know the answer to...Q. Is there a Fourth of July in England?
A. Yes, it comes after the third of July!
Q. How many birthdays does the average man have?
A. 1 Just one!
Q. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
A. 12, all of them!
Q. How many outs are there in an inning?
A. 6, three per side!
Q. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
A. No - because he is dead!
Q. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
A. 70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60! Takes some thinking.....
Q. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
A. 2, you took them, remember?
Q. If a doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour, how many minutes would the pills last?
A. 60 - Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.
Q. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
A. Nine!
Q. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
A. Zero, Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!
Q. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
A. Twelve, there are 12 two cent stamps in a dozen!
Q. How far can a dog run into the woods?
A. Half way, otherwise he'll be coming out of the woods!
Q. Which weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?
A. Neither a pound of bricks weighs the same as a pound of feathers!
Q. A rooster sits on the VERY TOP of a barn roof. If he lays an egg, which side will it roll off?
A. Roosters don't lay eggs.
Q. You have a match and you go into a house and there is an oil lamp a stove and a fire place all ready to be started... what do you light first?
A. The Match!
Q. I have two US coins that have total value of 55 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are the two coins?
A. The one that is not a nickel is a half dollar. The other coin is a nickel.
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Here are some quotes from famous atheletes that most likely explain why they can't seem to get regular jobs...1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: " I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl." Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height. "And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too [blip] ugly to kiss good-bye."
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Hunting attorneys for sport has lately become somewhat of a past time for people. Enough so that the government has stepped in with new laws limiting such things as who can hunt them, how many can be hunted, and by what means...1. Any person with a valid State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove road kill to roadside, then proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty on the pelt.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, vermin and contagious diseases.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys.
Attorney Bag Limits:
Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder = 5
Hairless Civil Libertarian = 7
Skinny-Assed Ambulance Chaser = 12
Horse or Cattle Rustler Defender = 20
Silver-Tongued Murderer Defender = 50
Jack-Legged Divorce Litigator = No limit
Honest Attorney = Extinct
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Good morning everyboomie.
We had a huge rainfall last night. Had to be a couple of inches or more.
Now I'm itching to get back out and hunt some heads, but the high today is only going to be 49 degrees, plus more rain today hopefully.
My friend my call about going hunting on another co-worker's land, which is near an old fort.
I might not go if it's raining though, since walking around in cold rain is not much fun.
Also I sold off my snorkeling gear during the drought of '13.
I needed money and couldn't find any interest in my sister.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
The questions made my head hurt but its been a long day. 
Top of the Morning to you Joe, Ana, Haroula, Volkana, Cailyn and venus. Hope it's a great day for everyone! 
