Think of life as a terminal illness, because, if you do, you will live it with joy and passion, as it ought to be lived.
Anna Quindlen (1953 - ), A Short Guide to a Happy Life, 2000
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Autopsy DetailsYour doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be prepared for what should be an eventful time. This guide should answer the most common questions in regard to your procedure. Please call your doctor's office if you have any further questions. Please remember, autopsies are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to cancel your autopsy, the Pathology department requires 24 hours notice.
WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?
As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we need more thorough procedures to find out why your living status has been impaired. An autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation.
WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY?
Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact, surgery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before cessation of your existence or the procedure.
WILL IT HURT?
We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable, please feel free to alert the pathologist.
WHAT SHOULD I BRING?
We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done, you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will be disposed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs containers from medications you might have ingested.
WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK?
Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy.
WILL I HAVE A SCAR?
We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that can be covered by a competent professional.
WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE?
Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism. Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.
We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more information.
Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends!
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Backhanded CommentsWhen you hear these comments don't assume their positive sound is all they indend to be. Backhanded comments really are a kicker."That dress is lovely; it does wonders for your figure."
"You're smarter than you look."
"You drive very well, for a woman."
"Your son is more handsome than I would have expected."
"You are attractive, for your age."
"You're actually kinda cute now that I've gotten to know you."
"You're not as heavy as people think you are."
"I don't care what anyone says about you, I think you are a fabulous person!"
"You're so smart, for an American."
"You don't sweat that much for a fat girl!"
"I'm amazed by the level of success readers have after following your advice."
"Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!"
"Relax, sweetie... you were perfectly adequate."
"You're more of a "street smart" kind of guy."
"You're not the kind of girl guys date; you're the kind of girl they marry."
"You're so evolved…for a man."
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If your date ever uses any of these lines, you know its game over.
1. I have to floss my cat.
2. I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3. I want to spend more time with my blender.
4. The President said he might drop in.
5. The man on television told me to say tuned.
6. I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7. I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8. It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9. It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10. I'm building a pig from a kit.
11. I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12. I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13. There's a disturbance in the Force.
14. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15. I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16. I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18. I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19. I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20. My crayons all melted together.
21. I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22. I'm in training to be a household pest.
23. I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24. My patent is pending.
25. I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well, another day, another 24 hours, and mine starts at 3:30 in the AM.
The good news is I get off at 2:00pm.
Always good news.
It's still very overcast and foreboding outside right now, but we are supposed to get back up to 68 degrees I think tomorrow.
That would make me as happy as a.......
.....dancing banana I guess.
I'll bet you can't guess what I'm going to do when I get off.
It rhymes with dead punting.
Give up??
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
It's cold here 
22 degrees so I'll put the coffee on and keep it hot!! Happy day wished for all,Hi Gerry to you when you arrive 
Ana hope all is well with you. 
Cailyn it's cold here too. 
I stopped the nausea med yesterday as she seemed fine. Apparently I shouldn't have. So started it back this morning and will see if she perks back up. 
Thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day! Stay warm.
to Sam
Ana
And here I thought Spring was coming.