Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Jay Leno (1950 - )
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Bad Date Excuses26. I'm sandblasting my oven.
27. I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28. I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29. I'm being deported.
30. The grunion are running.
31. I'll be looking for a parking space.
32. My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33. The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34. I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35. I have to fluff my shower cap.
36. I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37. I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39. My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40. I have to fulfill my potential.
41. I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42. It's too close to the turn of the century.
43. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44. My subconscious says no.
45. I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46. I left my body in my other clothes.
47. The last time I went out, I never came back.
48. I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49. I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50. None of my socks match.
51. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52. I'm having all my plants neutered.
53. People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54. I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55. I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56. I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57. My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58. I'm touring China with a wok band.
59. My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60. I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61. My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62. I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63. I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
64. I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65. I have to ash/condition/perm/curl/tease my hair.
66. I have too much guilt.
67. There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68. I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69. I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71. I feel a song coming on.
72. I'm trying to be less popular.
73. My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74. I have to bleach my hare.
75. I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
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You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contacts in one eye.
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So how bad is the economy really doing, you ask?Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
My ATM gave me an IOU!
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Monday is over YAHOO! Free margaritas for everyone.
I work 5:00 to 2:00 again today, and I am off again tomorrow.
I took a vacation day just to break up these 6 day stretches I work.
I don't like working 6 days straight, which is something that happens once a month.
It makes me cranky.
It's kinda like me needing to go to the restroom very bad, and every time I go to the door my sister is in there.
That kind of cranky. Ya know what I mean?
Speaking of needing to go........
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe, you are such a card! Glad you have a day off coming up! 
Hope you have a great day off, and that you don't run into your sister in the bathroom. 
Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ, venus, Haroula and Cailyn. Cailyn I put the coffee on for you. joe nice you have a day off tomorrow. Ana have fun with the pups on the run. SpaceQ enjoy your day. Venus hope you have a quiet work day. Haroula how nice you have spring! WQe still have a foot of snow covering the ground! Wishing everyone a wonderful day! 
