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Monday Mourning #946251
03/23/14 08:07 PM
03/23/14 08:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
~~~~~~~~~~~


You know you've joined a pretty cheap health plan when...


Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."

Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."

You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

Exam room has a tip jar.

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.

Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

Recycled bandages

You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.

Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
~~~~~~~~~


Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.

TOTAL: $21.00


Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee

TOTAL: $1,350.00
~~~~~~~


Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association

Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep

Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose

The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad

The Tickling Babysitter

A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides

Freddie Kruger's Bedtime Stories

Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle

Babar Becomes a Piano

Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

David Duke's World of Imagination

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

Legends of Scab Football

Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina

Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer

Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them

Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes

The Care Bears : Maul Some Campers

You Were an Accident

Strangers Have the Best Candy

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Bi-Curious George

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

You Are Different and That's Bad

Dad's New Wife Timothy

Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games

Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets

Why Your Moms "Flashlight" Vibrates

Detours Using Local High Traffic Rail Tracks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

By this time tonight I'm sure I will have been mauled by another Monday. taz

It probably won't take that long. I believe I get off at 1:00. bravo

Hopefully by then my mauling will be complete, and I can come home. happydance

I feel like I'm going in a tanning booth. snicker

Maybe at about 10:00 I should flip over to make sure I'm mauled evenly. yes

There's nothing like a nice, even, all-over mauling. razz

That means I need to set an alarm for 10:00, so I can wake up and flip over. dance

Have a happy day everyone.

joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946254
03/23/14 08:23 PM
03/23/14 08:23 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Sounds like an early day for you Joe. I hope when you get paroled the day is lovely for some head hunting.

Have an awesome day everyone!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946294
03/24/14 02:34 AM
03/24/14 02:34 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana and all who come in later. wave
Have a great day. happydance spring


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Monday Mourning [Re: Haroula] #946300
03/24/14 04:06 AM
03/24/14 04:06 AM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,145
Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist
cailyn  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,145
Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana,Haroula and all who arrive later waveWe're back in the deep freeze at 16 degrees shiverAnd a Noreaster on the way eekCoffee is ready! Enjoy your day everyone puppy


I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946301
03/24/14 05:24 AM
03/24/14 05:24 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Online happy
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Online Happy
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe,Ana, Haroula and Cailyn. Going to be freezing here too Caily. Hope everyone has a great day! spring


Gerry
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946311
03/24/14 06:07 AM
03/24/14 06:07 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, wishing you a great day!

Ana, enjoy whatever the day brings today!

Sue, coffee sounds great! Freezing weather, snow on the way this week. Isn't it great living in New England? snicker

Gerry, have a wonderful day in the cold. shiver

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Will bundle up this morning and dog walk. Hope everyone has a good day! spring


Gail
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946314
03/24/14 06:22 AM
03/24/14 06:22 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. A trip to see the Vampire this morning. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Monday. Danish and Waffles in the NC. lab


Connie
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946330
03/24/14 08:31 AM
03/24/14 08:31 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 29,026
Unionville
manxman Offline
Sonic Boomer
manxman  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 29,026
Unionville
Good morning boomers. wave Hope everyone has a great start to the week smile


Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946337
03/24/14 08:48 AM
03/24/14 08:48 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Morning Connie, grabbing a Danish for my walk.

Manxman, have a nice day!


Gail
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: GBC] #946347
03/24/14 10:01 AM
03/24/14 10:01 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer
Darlene  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Enjoy your Monday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!


Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946360
03/24/14 11:10 AM
03/24/14 11:10 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! I'm off to try a new class this morning, still sore from yesterday so it will be good to move around. Then I will go get my dream bike if all goes well.

Haroula, have a great day!

Sue, cold here too, but low twenties. Snow forecast for tonight again too but it shouldn't be much. Stay warm!

Gerry, have a wonderful day!

Gail, enjoy your walk.

Connie, hope the vampire results are good. How is Robert doing?

manxman, have a happy day!

Darlene, happy Monday!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946366
03/24/14 12:10 PM
03/24/14 12:10 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll lab

It's been an absolutely crazy day here...phone rings....in the middle of that conversation, someone else calls, but when I flash over, nada, nobody there. Try to call back the person who was trying to beep in, nobody answers. It's been happening all morning. Some days I just want to unplug the phone.

Missy Seagy is obviously not feeling well today. She lies in one spot for a few minutes, gets up, moves to a new one, rinse and repeat. She also does not like the boys today...poor Sky can't get near her without earning teeth.

I'm afraid to put Seagy up in the bedroom in case she get sick up there. Maybe I should add some Irish to my coffee lol It wouldn't make Seagy feel better, but it might calm me down a bit...just kidding.

Ana, luck on getting your bike. You'll have to post a picture for us.

It's gotten cold here today. I'm waiting on AU to call me back, so most likely won't get out for a walk today. It's usually quite late when they call, but you know if I leave, they will call 30 seconds after I leave the house.

I was up way too late last night finishing my book. Now have to wait for the next installment to be released. Will have to browse for a new one. Son is always telling me I need to read this book or that book, so perhaps I will start on his list.


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946369
03/24/14 12:24 PM
03/24/14 12:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Overcast again this morning. Warmish, but dreary. I'm assuming the sun will come out soon, but for now, it's oh so sleepy time. Hated to get up.

All outdoorsies fed and accounted for. Interloper (light gray striped male) happilly lounging on my front porch swing waiting for his turn at the food dish. He does not play well with others, but they do leave him some of the wet food so I guess they don't hate him.

Last night the baby raccoons returned. It's a pair. They are both about half grown. No longer fluff balls, but lean, tall, juveniles. They stood side by side daintily taking small handfuls of dry food from the dish. Beautiful but I don't mix with them at all. I stay strictly away.

Someone (a possum or raccoon has taken to digging around all my yard sidewalks and stepping stones looking for grubs. This is the time of year the scarab beetles are huge larvae. Good eats for those who can dig the best. Unfortunately, I have to sweep the dirt off all the surfaces after they get done hunting. All nice and neat and clean now, but wait until tonight.

Solar powered security lights working fantastically in my shed and near the back fence. Perfect. No electricity there so I could never have the proper light. Now I open the shed and tada...let there be light. Awesome!

Off to do absolutely nothing today. Feeling lazy and out of money anyway. Gonna keep eating up and tossing all my food stash. Freezer is empty except for ice cubes and butter. Fridge has flour, cereal, milk, and misc. condiments. Cupboard still has some soup and other canned stuff. Time for a clean start to all the food items. Going shopping when my paycheck comes in. New stuff yummmmm.


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946375
03/24/14 02:20 PM
03/24/14 02:20 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Just a quick stop to wish everybody a lovely day!!

Abbi day and then when she heads home I will head out for some fun and play BINGO!!

Joe thanks for the laughs.

Sue thanks for the hot coffee. It was -3 this morning.

Ana enjoy the new class and have fun!

L4l hope Seagy gets feeling better.

Gail have a nice walk!

Sorta have a nice 'do nothing' day!

Connie good luck at the vampires! Thanks for danish!

Darlene may all go smoothly!!

wave
Nan

Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946380
03/24/14 03:46 PM
03/24/14 03:46 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Sorta, enjoy your day.

Nan, have fun with Abbi and luck at Bingo....lab


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946386
03/24/14 04:28 PM
03/24/14 04:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946388
03/24/14 04:43 PM
03/24/14 04:43 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Afternoon, Space. Did you have a good day so far?


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: looney4labs] #946401
03/24/14 06:53 PM
03/24/14 06:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Hey everybody. wave

I got off of work and came home and headed for the creek with Baby. lab

I managed to find THIS.

Not a whole one, but nice to know I can still find them where I've already looked a hundred times. bravo

Now I've gotta get tomorrow's diner done and get to bed. happydance

I hope you all had a super day, and have a nice evening. yes

joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946411
03/24/14 07:26 PM
03/24/14 07:26 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Great find Joe! yay

I am back in the corner, the party is over. lol Great class today, it has left me sore in a good way. I did go buy my new bike today, she's beautiful! I pick it up in the morning after they put the accessories on it I asked for. I'm very excited! Now it really needs to warm up!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #946426
03/24/14 10:53 PM
03/24/14 10:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
I'm here to say good night. I can't keep my eyes open any longer. See you in the morning.

Midgie hearts shiver spring shiver spring


Just do it.
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