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#947276 - 03/29/14 08:53 PM Sip & Surf Sunday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30026
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
Robert Byrne
~~~~~~~~~~


The Cynic's Guide to Life

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.

Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Dating My Daughter
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

So, I'll call out jovially. I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them from your body.

Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four - I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.

Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-ink washes off-and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. Don't you remember being that age? she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
~~~~~~~~~

Daffynitions

Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper.

Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.

Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country.

Ambition: A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

Ambulance: A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair.

Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.

Antique Collector's Song: “You take the highboy and I'll take the lowboy.”

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Apartment: A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you've been listening to your neighbor's.

Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.

Argument: Something that gets better when you don't have facts.

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.

Awe: Showing respect with your mouth wide open.

Baby: A perfect example of minority rule.

Bachelor: A thing of beauty and a boy forever.

Backbiter: A mosquito.

Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.

Barber: A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline.

Bargain: Something that's so reasonable they won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it.

Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.

Big Game Hunter: A person who can spot a leopard.

Budget: What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up.

Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn't have enough chairs for everybody.

Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.

Business: Something which, if you don't have any, you go out of.

Businessman: The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom

Candidate: A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.

Chef: An interior decorator.

Christian Nation: One that has Churches too many people stay away from on Sunday.

Classic: A book which people praise and don't read.

Class Reunion: Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart.

Combustion: What takes place when there isn't enough goods in a store to cover the insurance.

Commercial: The warning you get to shut off the radio or television.

Community Chest: An organization that puts all its begs into one ask it.

Conceited Person: One who mistakes a big head for greatness.

Conference: A long coffee break.

Congress: A body of government that does not solve problems - it just investigates them.

Conscience: A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught.

Contortionist: The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back.

Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages.

Cow: A machine that makes it possible for people to eat grass.

Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

Croquet: Chess with sweat.

Deficit: What you have when you don't have as much as if you had nothing.

Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.

Dentist: A person who runs a filling station.

Diamond: A piece of coal that made good under pressure.

Diet: A selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.

Diplomat: A rabbit in a silk hat.

Discretion: When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.

Donut Factory Manager: A person who has charge of the hole works.

Endless: The time it takes for others to find out how wonderful you are.

Etiquette: Knowing which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.

Executive: One who makes a prompt decision and is sometimes right.

Experience: What you get while looking for something else.

Expert: Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.

Flattery: An insult in gift wrapping.

Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.

Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

Gentility: What is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.

Golf: Cow pasture pool.

Gruesome: A little taller than before.

Guitar: A hillbilly harp.

Gunpowder: A substance used to make nations friendly to each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

If it's Sunday, it must be Tuesday on my wacky calender. crazy

No wait...... think.....it's a 4 day work week, so that makes it Wednesday. yay

At least when I get to my next weekend, it's a two day one........ headscratch whut?

Tomorrow is a nuther early one. Not as early as the others though, 7:00. I can sleep till 5:30. bravo

I can watch most of the LOTR movies tonight. taz

HOLD ON LITTLE HOBBITS!! woot

I gotta go.

Have a happy day everyone.

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (03/29/14 09:05 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#947284 - 03/29/14 09:20 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64937
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
lol Say hi to Gollum for me. What is my precious...can you eat it? I hope your workday passes quickly.

I will be at Insanity class in the morning and then off on the bike. How long I can ride depends on how far I get done working. I have to be done today.

I wish you all a wonderful Sunday!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#947314 - 03/30/14 12:45 AM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Drmojo Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 1769
Loc: Washington In the Wet corner
Morning Joe wave

Mornin' Ana wave


going to Church flowers
hope everybody has a nice day springKaren frenchie blackkitty
_________________________
OSO live
OSO Love
++OSO Strong++



Peace be with you~

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#947323 - 03/30/14 03:08 AM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7667
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana,Karen and all who follow later. wave
Have a great day everyone. happydance spring
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#947328 - 03/30/14 05:02 AM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17156
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good morning Joe, Ana, Haroula and Karen. Coffee and tea are ready! Happy Day All! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#947335 - 03/30/14 06:38 AM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14431
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers puppy

Joe, wishing you an easy workday.

Ana, have a fun day on your new bike!

Karen, enjoy church. Talk to you later on.

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Sue, a good day wished for you.

Church this morning then a birthday party to attend this afternoon. Wishing everyone a wonderful Sunday. spring
_________________________
Gail

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#947343 - 03/30/14 07:50 AM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8072
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Sunday. Danish, French Toast, and Biscuits and Sausage Gravy in the NC. Biscuit bottoms for L4L. lab
_________________________
Connie

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#947345 - 03/30/14 08:18 AM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9526
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Have a great Sunday everyone. thumbsup
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#947371 - 03/30/14 10:36 AM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64937
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies. I had to cut my bike ride out, no time for it. sad Off to the club for Insanity and then a marathon corner session to get done. Hubby is golfing for the first time this year, it's a sure sign of spring! yay

Have a happy day!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#947378 - 03/30/14 11:46 AM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7226
Loc: San Diego, CA
Tonight is the FINALE of "The Walking Dead". What am I going to do all summer till it returns in October??!!
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#947381 - 03/30/14 11:50 AM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13642
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe happy HUNP day!! May it pass quickly! Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day!

Aw Ana sorry the ride is out but there is always tomorrow. HUGS! May the project move right along and be kind. Have a lovely day!

Karen enjoy church and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for getting the coffee started. Have a lovely day!

Gail enjoy church!! Have fun at the birthday party!! Have a lovely day!

Connie HUGS! Thanks for the danish and have a lovely day! How is Robert feeling???

Space have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

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#947390 - 03/30/14 12:34 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: auntiegram]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9365
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and hope your Hump Day goes smoothly!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Rained this morning. Much needed. Skies are starting to clear now...

Had a fab-u-lous time with daughter and one of daughter's bridesmaids yesterday, working on wedding projects! yay Today will be easy peasy.

Alrighty, off to see what's afoot!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#947399 - 03/30/14 01:12 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42273
Loc: Alabama
Super Sunday ya'll puppy

It's a gorgeous day out there. I just couldn't get up this morning. Sweet hubby brought me coffee in bed and I watched news and read news. Then up to feed the dogs and clean the kitchen.

Hubby has been replacing the light switch in our truck which went out on Thursday. As soon as he finishes that, we are going to take the doggies to the park to get out of the house for a bit. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#947468 - 03/30/14 07:02 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: looney4labs]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9365
Loc: Southern California
Quiet day in the Diner..... smile

Hubby has the tri-tip on the barby. Weather is lovely. Just chillaxin'.......
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#947472 - 03/30/14 07:15 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64937
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
I got my class in and then stayed in the corner until it hit 50 degrees and had to go for a short 5 mile ride on the bike. I just couldn't resist. lol Now I am eagerly awaiting a visit from Peter. I haven't seen him in what seems like ages. yay Hubby is going to help him do his taxes and I am in the corner until bedtime.
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#947482 - 03/30/14 08:17 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15108
Loc: Unionville
Good evening boomers. Late today because it was such a nice day outside. Hope everyone had a sunny Sunday smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#947492 - 03/30/14 09:35 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14639
Loc: Massachusetts
Hi boomies. Worked a split shift today. Home now and my back is starting to calm down. It flares up towards the end of my shift. Had a very busy shift today. Actually both shifts were hard on my back, not always. But I'm glad to be home. Ana I'd love to borrow some of your energy for a day.

Thinking about trying to find my pillow See you in the morning. Hugs to all of you.

Miidgie hearts sleep
_________________________
Just do it.

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#947494 - 03/30/14 09:55 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64937
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
manxman, glad to hear you had beautiful weather!

Midgie, come on over, we can paint the town red. hearts
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#947505 - 03/30/14 10:43 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42273
Loc: Alabama
Ana, glad you got out for a short ride on your bike.

We have had a quiet day. Time for bed. Sweet dreams all sleep
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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