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#947526 - 03/31/14 12:15 AM Slurp & Burp Monday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30163
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
I'm the only person I know that's lost a quarter of a billion dollars in one year.... It's very character-building.
Steve Jobs (1955 - 2011), Apple Confidential 2.0
~~~~~~~~~~



Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Sincerely,

Your Owner
~~~~~~~~~


Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved 30 miles away.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Definitions of words by gender...

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a jock strap.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning all. wave

I started to call today's diner Mellow Monday, but I like the other title better. wink

It suits my childish immature nature and hey, if slurping and burping ain't mellow, I don't know what is. razz

I'd rather be wasting away in Margaritaville but my yacht is in dry dock having it's barnacles scrapped. shocked

I've decided to spend the day at leisure at the local big box home improvement store. snicker

They have a lot of fun activities for their.....uhm....subservients. blush

Speaking of servings, I think have another serving of that 'mellow pudding'. woot

Have a happy day everyone. urock

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#947537 - 03/31/14 01:38 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8131
Loc: Greece
Have a happy day Joe and all. happydance smile wave
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#947539 - 03/31/14 02:14 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6102
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Haroula waveI know it's kind of early but Tigger got me up to go out laband now I can't get back to sleep sleepI'll put the coffee on and hope I can nap later spring
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#947549 - 03/31/14 05:20 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17644
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn. Joe hope you "mellow" out today! Haroula have a happy day too. Cailyn thanks for the coffee and hope you get to nap later. Wishing everyone a great Monday! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#947572 - 03/31/14 07:06 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8207
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Monday. Danish and Waffles in the NC. lab
_________________________
Connie

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#947587 - 03/31/14 09:02 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14796
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, enjoy the day!

Sue, I love getting up when the coffee is already brewing and waiting for me. O walk up at 4:00 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Gerry, a good day is wished for you.

Connie, thanks for the goodies. Hope your day runs smoothly.

Been raining here for three days. Need some sun. Wishing everyone a super Monday. blackkitty
_________________________
Gail

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#947592 - 03/31/14 09:32 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: GBC]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30163
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good morning everybody. wave

Hope you're all enjoying it. bravo

I'm getting ready for work. I have been put on mid-shifts for the duration of the Summer sales season. We call it the 100 days of hell. That means 10 to 7 every week day. YUK! thumbsdown

10 to 7 means you don't have much time to do anything before work, or after work. smirk

We have three or 4 days of rain possibility forecast, and it's very overcast this morning. razz

I hope you all have a great day. rah rah rah


joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#947598 - 03/31/14 09:40 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
MaG Offline
Administrator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 12/28/99
Posts: 66260
Hi everyone! Have a wonderful day!

Thanks, Joe!

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#947603 - 03/31/14 10:03 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: MaG]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9484
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Slurp & Burp Monday goes easy peasy!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#947610 - 03/31/14 10:13 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11425
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning all.

Going up to the 70's today. Grass is starting to turn green, some plants are emerging, Bradford Pear trees are going to bloom soon. Ah, signs of spring. Now we could use some rain.

Susie got her hair cut the other day. Vince found someone who would come to the house. She got all the knots and tangles out and cut her hair shoulder length. Haven't seen it yet. She will be seeing her internist this Friday, so maybe we will get some answers.

I am going in for laser surgery on my left eye. Trying to get it to drain more so the pressure gets down to 13 or lower. Will have to miss orchestra. Appointment at 4 and if it is like the other time, my eye will be blurry for awhile.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day today.

Bets
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#947618 - 03/31/14 10:30 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65823
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, I guess the good thing is you can adjust to a regular sleep schedule and always have the weekend off. This way you can make plans with your sister on the weekends. wink

I'll be off to class shortly and then in the corner to try and solve some puzzles. I had a migraine last night that made solving puzzles a bit of a challenge.

Have a wonderful day!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#947628 - 03/31/14 11:15 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13813
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Aw Joe sorry about the shift change but it could be to your advantage in the long run. Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Sue sorry Tigger woke you so early. Hope you can get a nice nap in. Thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Gerry have a lovely day!

Connie HUGS!! thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!

Gail I hope the rain has stopped and the sun shines today! Have a lovely day! We are still waiting to see if today is going to be Winter or Spring, in other words, will it be rain or snow that falls. lol

wave MaG!! Have a lovely day!

Bets sending prayers that all goes well with the eye surgery today! Prayers for Suies also that they can get to the bottom of her troubles and be on the mend. HUGS! Have a lovely day!

Darlene may all go smoothly today! Have a lovely day!

Ana enjoy class and prayers that the head be fine and the puzzles go easy peasy for you! Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

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#947630 - 03/31/14 11:18 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65823
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Nan, is spring showing up by you yet? Is it an Abbi day?
Off to class...head not behaving, it's the weather changes.
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#947633 - 03/31/14 11:31 AM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15753
Loc: Unionville
Good morning boomers. wave Hope everyone is enjoying their start to the weekend. It's positively balmy outside spring
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#947636 - 03/31/14 12:08 PM Re: Slurp & Burp Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42658
Loc: Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll :labl:

I've been up for a bit, but in the kitchen busy. Once I post this, I'll head out to the store to get some lean beef to jerky for Seagy, and then I'll collate my tax paperwork, as that date is nigh. Then, hopefully, I'll get the doggy ones out for a walk, and then I'll come home and collapse. lol

luck Bets, I hope it works well for you. So glad Susie could get her hair cut and hope you all get answers asap.

Ana, I hope your head behaves soon. I know you are glad to have weather change, but sorry your head is being evil

Cailyn, I hope you get a great nap sleep

Back in a bit wave

edit: Ok, been to the store and back. Have dog jerky working....people jerky marinating...now time to head to the park, and once back, get bread to rising. wave




Edited by looney4labs (03/31/14 01:52 PM)
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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