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#948243 - 04/04/14 12:55 AM TGIF
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29944
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
The thought manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character;
So watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings…
As the shadow follows the body,
As we think, so we become.
Buddha (563 BC - 483 BC), Dhammapada
~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Canada Eh!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick ..
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a compilation of some of the best out of office Automatic email replies...

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over
and over....)

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

I've run away to join a different circus.

I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deja Vu Variants

We've all experienced deja vu in our lives, but did you know there are many variants of deja Vu that you may have throughout your life?

Deja boo: The feeling that I've been frightened like this before

Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.

Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.

Deja do: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.

Deja eau: the feeling I've smelled this perfume before.

Deja fu: The feeling I've been kicked in the head like this before.

Deja who: The feeling I've known who was on first before.

Deja jew: The feeling I've wandered in the desert like this before.

Deja knew: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).

Deja loo: The feeling I've been to this bathroom before.

Deja moo: The feeling I've drank this milk before.

Deja mu: The feeling I've calculated the mean of this population before.

Deja new: The feeling I haven't experienced this before. (AKA, "Vuja De" - Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)

Deja ooh: The feeling I've exclaimed at these fireworks before.

Deja poo: The feeling I've stepped in this before.

Deja Q: The feeling I've encountered this entity before.

Deja rue: The feeling I've regretted this day before.

Deja stew: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mom served the week before.

Deja too: The feeling that I've experienced this before, also.

Deja two: The feeling that I've experienced this before, twice.

Deja woo: The feeling that heather has yelled at someone like this before.

Deja you: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.

Deja zoo: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.

DUH-ja-vu: The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!
~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Welcome to Friday! rah Woo Hoo!

My woo hoo is because it's payday. yay

My bookie is expecting to hear from me today. cool

I'm going to call him from the airport on my way to Jamaica mon. help

Hasta la vista baby. wave

Maybe I'll just send him a post card. think

Since he lives two blocks from the airport. snicker

Have a happy day everyone.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#948244 - 04/04/14 01:30 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7479
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe and all who come in later. wave
Have a great day everyone. happydance smile
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#948252 - 04/04/14 03:17 AM Re: TGIF [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6008
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Happy Friday everybody wave Coffee is ready! Wishing you all a great day puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#948256 - 04/04/14 05:06 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16861
Loc: Marlborough USA
spring Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn.Joe don't spend it all in one place! Haroula enjoy your day. Cailyn thanks for the coffee. Spring has sprung finally. Happy Day All! spring
_________________________
Gerry

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#948264 - 04/04/14 07:03 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7979
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. I have some hot air to send to all who need it. They are talking 90, way to soon. To all here and all who follow, have a Great TGIF. Danish and Cinnamon Rolls in the NC. lab
_________________________
Connie

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#948265 - 04/04/14 07:26 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14236
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, rotfl

Sue, coffee please and thank you! Have a nice day!

Gerry, enjoy the Spring weather.

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Connie, enjoy the hot weather. We could use a little of that here.

A little chillier than yesterday but I can deal with it. spring
_________________________
Gail

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#948272 - 04/04/14 08:23 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 14764
Loc: Unionville
Good morning boomers. Hope everyone has a fantastic Friday smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#948274 - 04/04/14 08:38 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9409
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
The weekend is here Boomers. happydance

Have a great day!
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#948279 - 04/04/14 09:34 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13519
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe I hope work flies and goes well! Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Sue thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Gerry I am so glad that Spring has arrived somewhere. When I took Sassy out this morning the snow was as deep as my puddle jumpers and they come almost to my knees. eek They are out there with the Bobcat plowing the parking lot and I'm not sure where he is going to find room for it all. lol Have a lovely day!

Connie I wouldn't mind a little, if not a lot, of that early heat you are having. lol Thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!

Gail hope the 'little chilly' warms up and you and the dogs can get at least one nice walk in. Have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

Space enjoy the start of the weekend! Have a lovely day!

If it ever stops snowing the taxi might run and they might have the fish fry but too early to tell.

wave
Nan

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#948285 - 04/04/14 10:01 AM Re: TGIF [Re: auntiegram]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9298
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a happy day, as well!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

It's Friday! Woohoo!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#948299 - 04/04/14 12:36 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7076
Loc: San Diego, CA
It's finally Friday! Good news is it's bank day so I can put money in my account. Bad news is my computer's hard drive is failing. Arraagghhh! It keeps asking for a proper boot disc. Not a good thing. I backed up all my important files on a stand alone drive yesterday but am not looking forward to replacing the failing drive. Gonna be a long process of regathering all my internet places and email lists, etc. Phoooooey!

If I am suddenly gone for a few days, don't worry. It's just a major redo of everything. help
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#948310 - 04/04/14 02:33 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42079
Loc: Alabama
Eeek, Sorta, that is never fun. Good thing you are on top of it.

Lil Soot home. Watching him now to see how he does. Busy day...gray and rainy! wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#948312 - 04/04/14 02:43 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2026
Loc: Lexington, Texas
May you do well on the cmptr probs Sorta. Discourageing. When you fix yours there are 4 cmptrs sitting in my closets -you could practice on them.

Cold today, only 70 and 40 tonight. Come on Springtime!!

ShemerBaby is doing so much better today. He hoovered a can of fancy feast and looked for more, then disapeared outdoors and now fast asleep on the bureau. It appears we are over the cat bite crises.

Cleaned house and put away the play station 3 games along with the PS2 ones. Make room for the PS4 games. And there's alot of good looking ones to pre-order. Funfunfun.

Happy Friday all
_________________________
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

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#948327 - 04/04/14 05:01 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7076
Loc: San Diego, CA
Ah Yankee, cat food fights abound here. The Old Gal Spot who is about 20 as far as I can tell is now gaining power since the demise of the mom cat Rags. Spot lives below the food table in a nice cozy bed and she is constantly coming out when she sees or hears me coming out the door, whether it's feeding time or not. She is so old and feeble, but spunky. Tiny cat, never weighed more than about 5 lbs full grown and healthy. So she was having trouble eating the canned food and then I discovered Gravy Lovers by Fancy Feast. It's new and there is loads of slurpy gravy and minimal chunks. I was treating with regular Fancy Feast, but it has much less gravy.

I only went for those after I realized Old Spot was pushing out the younger cats to get to the 'juice' that was in the regular wet food. There is always about a teaspoon of juice and she made sure she got to it first. So I looked for gravy stuff and this is a new one. Now, she is begging night and day and in between for the gravy. She wolfs it down, pushes out the other cats, and after the gravy is all gone, eats some of the chunks. She is actually gaining weight! I am now feeding her cans of that Fancy Feast Gravy Lovers whenever she wants it. As long as she keeps it down, she can have as much as she wants. Amazing that she now is looking forward to food and being aggressive about getting her fair share against all the younger guys. Not too many years left for her I fear, but whatever I can do to make her feel good now, I will do. I even put a 'bridge' of small step ladders from the food table to her 'tent' on the table nearby so she won't have to climb. She now has 2 nice cozy places to get out of the wind and rain. Oh how we pamper our animals!
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#948337 - 04/04/14 05:56 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2026
Loc: Lexington, Texas
Hey Sorta, it sounds like you have a soft spot for the furry ones. Fancy Feast -every AM I open 4 cans and 1 can mighty dog for puppy and then I swish out the cans with a bit of water and this makes more juice -not too much water and be careful don't cut your finger on the can. My old cat, Moira, does that same thing yours does.

Lazy day except for cleaning house -in a lacadasical manner of course. Then talked to my daughter, the one who lives in Dallas, for at least an hour. They have pet chickens and the chicks were fighting over who should get the nesting box and I could hear them -what is it 200 miles?

Now to some fighting on Vekta -Killzone 4
_________________________
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

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