I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.
Jack Handey (1949 - ), Deep Thoughts
~~~~~~~~~~Driving School Exam
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school...
Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A. The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A. Always wear a condom.
Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.
Q. How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A. Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if they're cute.
Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.
Q. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A. Heavy psychedelics.
Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A. Carry loaded military grade weapons.
~~~~~~~~~~~Driving StylesDepending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...
Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.
New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.
New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.
Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.
Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.
Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap
Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.
Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.
Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.
Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.
West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.
Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.
Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.
Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.
Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.
Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel
New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!
Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.
California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.
Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.
Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.
Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.
Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.
Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.
Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.
~~~~~Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk
4. CinnamonThings That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. TransubstantiateThings That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this parking lot or on the road side.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
Good morning everyone.
I'm so sleepy it's taken me a half hour to post two lines.
I must say I love these little cat naps in between lines.
My only problem is remembering where I am and what I was doing when I wake.
Where was I??
What was I doing.....
Well there's an "Aliens" triple feature starting. I think I make some time with Ripley. My favorite alien fighter.
Until bed time that is. I have to be at work at 7am tomorrow........I mean today.
Have a happy day everyone.