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#955509 - 05/11/14 10:47 PM Blue Monday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30159
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
The public does not like you to mislead or represent yourself to be something you're not. And the other thing that the public really does like is the self-examination to say, you know, I'm not perfect. I'm just like you. They don't ask their public officials to be perfect. They just ask them to be smart, truthful, honest, and show a modicum of good sense.
Ann Richards Former Governor of Texas
~~~~~~~~~

Marriage Secrets

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...


Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
~~~~~~~~~

Men And Dogs
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.



HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.



HOW MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short...
It's fun to dry off a wet man !!!!!!!! (If you're a woman that is !!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men are like......

.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Men Bashing Jokes

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's [blip]?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
~~~~~~~~~

Good morning ever boomie. welcome

Now that my weekend is over I won't have two days off together again until June 4th. cry

That's why I keep saying I don't think I'll make it. duh

It gets to be a grind, and I haven't been good at grinding for a long time. blush

I'm all ground up. razz

Now, I can still get wound up alright. thumbsup

I do that on just about any day at work. rolleyes

After a day like that I have to sit on the ground and bind my wounds. rotfl



You had to be there.


Have a happy day everyone.


joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#955512 - 05/11/14 11:13 PM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65800
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, have a happy day even though you have to work. We need to start a diner lottery pool from the different states we live in and maybe we can hit a big one and we can all retire. I'd love that!

Have a wonderful day everyone, Peter will be going back home today. I will miss him.

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#955522 - 05/12/14 12:16 AM Re: Blue Monday [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9481
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope June 4th comes quickly for you! Have a great Blue Monday! smile

Hey, Ana! wave Glad you got to spend some time with your Peter! hearts

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Still Sunday evening for me.....

Had a most incredible Mother's Day! Incredible meal, paired with amazing wine, fantastic dinner conversation. Then, after dinner, granddaughter dancing to music in our living room, grandson throwing baseball to daughter's fiance' in the backyard....Fab-U-Lous! Life is good!

So.

To all abed, sleep To all awake, woot
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#955525 - 05/12/14 01:20 AM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8113
Loc: Greece
Good morning,have all a happy day. smile wave
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#955541 - 05/12/14 05:03 AM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17626
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Darlene and Haroula. Joe keep smiling! Ana nice you got to visit with peter. Darlene sounds like you had a great Mother's Day. Haroula a happy day wished for you too. Coffee is ready. Enjoy en]Monday everyone. wave wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#955549 - 05/12/14 06:51 AM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8202
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Monday. Danish and French Toast in the NC. lab
_________________________
Connie

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#955555 - 05/12/14 07:11 AM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14786
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers: spring

Joe, wishing you a nice workday!

Ana, enjoy whatever plans the day holds for you.

Darlene, good morning!

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Connie, Danish sounds great with my coffee.

A happy day wish for all! Had a wonderful Mother's Day. All my daughters and son showed up at one point. Still celebrating. Daughter is taking me out to breakfast this morning. catrub
_________________________
Gail

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#955572 - 05/12/14 08:18 AM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15742
Loc: Unionville
Good morning boomers. Hope everyone has a magnificent Monday smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#955591 - 05/12/14 09:28 AM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5684
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good morning and have a great day Joe, Ana, Darlene, Haroula, Gerry, Connie, Gail, manxman and all who come in after me. wave Hope all the mothers had a great Mothers Day!

I'm off today for my birthday, which is rare. grin No plans, however. I'll probably go out with my friend a few days later for a celebration. Thorsgoats got me Momento Mori 2, but I won't be able to play it until tomorrow. grin As for today, I'll probably do some singing and gaming. thumbsup

Okay, off to see what else is happening. Hope everyone is having a terrific Monday. spring

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#955598 - 05/12/14 09:54 AM Re: Blue Monday [Re: venus]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9481
Loc: Southern California
wave 'Morning, again, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#955617 - 05/12/14 11:54 AM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13808
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe, thank you for the laughs and may you have a lovely day and work go well!

Ana a nice Mother's Day present.....visit with Peter!!! Wonderful! How did your yard work go yesterday? Have a lovely day!

Darlene glad you had a wonderful Mother's Day! May work fly today and all go smoothly! Have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the hot coffee as it hits the smot this morning. Only 36 out there with 20mph winds and rain. sad I sure hope it quits rain for more then one day, one of these days. Have a lovely day!

Connie thanks for the goodies and have a lovely day!

Gail sounds like you had and are still having a wonderful Mother's Day!!! Enjoy the breakfast and have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

venus birthday May it be all that you want it to be. I have the first of that game but not the second one, enjoy!! Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

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#955635 - 05/12/14 12:46 PM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42647
Loc: Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll lab

Doggies and I got up early (for us) and headed out to the park to imitate hamsters. We had company, so couldn't let Seagy off. We went round and round and all came home hot and tired. Then fed me and then fed dogs and then came down to research a dietary supplement daughter is interested in.

Now time to say "Hi" and then very serious book cooking will follow. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#955640 - 05/12/14 01:20 PM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2166
Loc: Lexington, Texas
Mornin' all. Hazy, humid and cooler -81- today. There's a birdie just squawkingsquawking outside this window. Wonder what's doing.

I've given up on the PS4 as it just won't work. In order to return it for repair I'd need the receipt and who saves the receipt at the 4's arrival. I don't have it and the return website was quite ambiguous for me. Maybe my g'daughter and g'son can fix it and they can have it. Alot of good sounding PS4 games comming due in October and let's hope this thing is resolved by then.

Puppy started eating a bit and looks lots better. Just think what a vet-threat can do.

Not mornin' anymore, happy monday afternoon all
_________________________
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

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#955643 - 05/12/14 01:42 PM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42647
Loc: Alabama
Aw Yankee, I'm sorry you are having such a problem with your PS4. Did you possibly charge it? That would at least give you a receipt of sorts.

I'm glad puppy is feeling better. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#955659 - 05/12/14 02:48 PM Re: Blue Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2166
Loc: Lexington, Texas
It's good Trina (doggey) feels better but gotta watch her as it could be HGE, is that it? -hemmoragic gastro intestinal thing. And they don't know what causes it or how to treat it. And gosh it's getting hot outside. Anyway puppy ate somemore and she's sleeping now.

Bummer!!!!!!!!!! so there PS4. you're gonna get it because there's some good looking games for the new X-Box. Somrbody posted once so many games so little time -so true. No receipt for the 4 because -Cash is king
_________________________
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

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