The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Jeff Foxworthy
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Tonight On TV
It seems each year television gets worse and worse, just look at what's on television tonight...FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode
UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through
WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes
ANIMAL PLANET
8:00 Incontinent Rhinos
9:00 Dan Taylor: Mongoose Optometrist
10:00 STAY!
10:30 The Best of STAY!
E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Co-Ed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui
SCI-FI
8:00 Space: 1972
9:00 The Bermuda Triangle: Myth Or Fiction?
10:00 Mid-Budget Galaxy
LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband In Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television
TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped In Pig dung!
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-It!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get The Rifle From The Truck
TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa En Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Goooooooooooooal!
10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
10:30 La Hora De Goya
PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out
~~~~~~~~~~~
Tongue TwistersWe've all at one time or another given our best try at tongue twisters, have a look through this funny list and see how you do...
Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.
Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.
Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.
Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.
Six shiny snails sighed sadly.
Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.
Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.
Six seals slick sick seals.
How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?
Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.
I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?
Try saying these 10 times fast...
Caution Golfers Crossing
Sun Shine City
Toy Boat
Unique New York
Mixed Biscuits
Red Leather, Yellow Leather
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too Far NorthYou design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for elk, moose or deer meat.
You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
You think everyone from the city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't come up on your deck.
There is only one shopping plaza in town.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
There are two seasons: Liquid and Solid
Nine months of winter and three months of rough sledding.
Six inches of snow is still considered a heavy frost.
You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends.
~~~~~~~~~
Too Much Of The 90's
Top signs you've had too much of the 90's...Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie. Welcome to a new week!
I just love a new day. I like looking toward the future.......to my next day off.
So few and so very far between.
I am forever under the boot of the oppressive, and greedy corporations.
It's a little unfashionable, but I must say I wear the footprints quite nicely, and it pays the bills.
I really need to go get ready for another one of these workdays.
I need to wash the boot prints off my cheek.
Have a happy day ever body.
joe