We should every night call ourselves to an account; What infirmity have I mastered today? What passions opposed? What temptation resisted? What virtue acquired? Our vices will abort of themselves if they be brought every day to the shrift.
Seneca (5 BC - 65 AD)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright (1955-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Work LawsA pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a [blip] fool about it.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Wonder Woman handle this?"
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Work Phrases
Here are a number of useful phrases you can use at work...1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14. No, my powers can only be used for good.
15. How about never? Is never good for you?
16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Writing TechniquesAvoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
What comes after Sunday?
Next week of course.
Which is now 'this week'.
I don't know about you but I was so ready for last week to be over.
Ready for this one to be over too..........along with the rest of the Summer.
Yep
ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH!!
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have an easy peasy day!
Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day!
Sorta
