Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.
John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - 2006)
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Smart Sayings1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
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Small Towns
The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life's like there. My hometown was so small...
...the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill
...long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
...the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight
...in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
...instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols
...you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
...during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter
...the local Motel 6 sleeps six
...during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
...the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages
...the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper
...we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up
...the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik
...before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home
...there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns
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Stupid People
Can people really be this stupid?1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
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Stock Market News
With the stock market in the news, here is a brief guide to todays activity..."Helium was up"
"Feathers were down"
"Beef steered into a bull market"
"Paper was stationary"
"Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading"
"Pencils lost a few points"
"Hiking equipment was trailing"
"Elevators rose"
"Escalators continued their slow decline"
"Weights were up in heavy trading"
"Light switches were off"
"Mining equipment hit rock bottom"
"Shipping lines stayed at an even keel"
"The market for raisins dried up"
"Coca Cola fizzled"
"Caterpillar stock inched up a bit"
"Balloon prices were inflated"
"Scott Tissue touched a new bottom"
"Knives were up sharply"
"Sun stocks peaked at midday"
...and the best one...
"Diapers remain unchanged"
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Good morning everyboomie.
I have been waiting on this day since I first entered the workforce fifty eight years ago.
I was five years old and delivering newspapers, and I thought, "I'll be an old man before I get a day off."
Now, I feel just like a kid again.
I'm going to celebrate by drinking a whole glass of milk, and not wearing my Depends to bed.
I'm not kidding.
Sorry I've got to go get ready for bed.
Now, where did I put that catheter?
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Gerry 
