It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
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Woody Allen has over 40 years of great quotes, jokes and one liners, so there can be no definitive list of the top 50 Woody Allen quotes. But this is a pretty good attempt at rounding up 50 of the best and funniest Woody Allen quotes, jokes and lines from his movies and books. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held.
94.5% of all statistics are made up.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him “be fruitful and multiply”. But not in those words.
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
Why ruin a good story with the truth?
I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty..
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
My brain? It’s my second favorite organ.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I just started my day off and in less than 24 hours I'll be getting ready to get up at 3:30am to go back to work.
Life is short, but that's ok because so is my.......
...temper.
A short temper will open a lot of doors in life.
Well, that and a lot of yelling, which is great too, because as long as I have a sister, I'll be doing a lot of yelling.
Fortunately, life is short, so I'll probably die before my voice goes horse from all that yelling.
Isn't that great??
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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