Don't be sweet, lest you be eaten up; don't be bitter, lest you be spewed out.
Jewish Proverb
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A Little IncidentThere was a little "incident" at your house today while you were gone. Please allow me to explain: I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the smoke detector going off so I ran into the kitchen and checked everything out. By the time I got to the kitchen, the beeping had stopped and I couldn't smell any smoke.
I went back to watching my movie and I kept hearing a beep every minute. I knew that the type of smoke detector that you have is the type that took a few minutes to reset itself. I kept watching my movie , and about 10 minutes later I was really getting pissed off that the beeping continued. I paused the movie, ran out to the kitchen, unhooked the detector, and went back to the movie.
The beeping continued.
Having a college degree in electronics, I knew that the capacitors could hold a charge after the batteries were removed. About 20 minutes later, I was really getting pissed because I could still hear the beeping. And I got so mad, I went out and grabbed a pair of wire cutters and cut the [blip] speaker off the smoke detector and left it sitting on the counter.
I sat back down and heard "beep".
Now I was [blip] fuming. I listened to that [blip] "beep" about three more times, then I finally got a hammer and pounded the ever-loving shit out of your [blip] smoke detector on the counter (while I was pounding I heard "beep"). It was really getting me mad. I sat back down and resumed the movie and sure enough "beep". I had the wire cutters in my hand and I went out (curious to see what the hell could still be running it) and cut all the little parts into pieces, and put half into a little plastic container and left half on the counter. I took half the parts over to the living room thinking if it beeps I know it's these, and half the parts I left on the counter knowing it would be them.
In moments I heard the parts in the kitchen beep. So I took them into the living room and spread them on the table, staring at them, saying to myself "the [blip] part that beeps, will get smashed" Not three seconds later, the parts I just had, now on the counter in the kitchen beeped. I was furious. I thought to myself, (his smoke detector is possessed). I brought all the parts into the living room and laid them out on the coffee table. I was staring at them, just waiting for one of them to beep so I could smash the shit out of it.
All of a sudden, I hear "beep", but it was coming from the kitchen. I walked out there, all freaked out. I just waited.. and waited.. it seemed like hours but was only 30 seconds later, I heard the mystifying "beep" coming from your jacket. I looked in the jacket and it was your beeper that you had left at home by accident. All I could do was take my hammer and beat the ever-loving shit out of your beeper because I was the one who paged you. Sorry!
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Anger ManagementWhen you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it...I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a--hole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'a--hole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a**hole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a##hole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an a@@hole!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a^^hole (I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW [blip], too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an a$$hole!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a%%holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called aBBhole #1.
He said, 'Hello'
I said, 'You're an a&&hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, '[blip], I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a@@hole,' and hung up.
Then I called AFFhole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, aGGhole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your a=='
I answered, 'Well, a>>hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two a??holes beating the c--p out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
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Why Aren't You Married?
Comebacks to that all time favorite question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fianc�e is awaiting his/her parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I am diligently trying to get this posted in between my little loss of consciousness sessions.
Perhaps I should say 'desperately trying to get it posted'.
I have to get up at 4:30 tomorrow.
I've gotta get a shower and get to my bed before the sun beats me to it.
Only three more days until my other day off.
Yesterday was Monday right??
Have a happy day everyone..
joe
acebook
witter
I truly don't understand.
