Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931)
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Successful Party TestSo, how do you tell if your throwing a successful, kick-butt, party? Just take this quick and simple quiz to find out!Festivity Level OneYour guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.
Festivity Level TwoYour guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."
Festivity Level ThreeYour guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction".
Festivity Level FourYour guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.
Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."
You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"
Police: "No, sir, not drugs."
You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"
Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."
You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs here, heh heh."
[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]
You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"
Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Kansas."
[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]
You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."
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Stuck On The Island
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.
As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"
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Technical Support
Techronia Technical Support Services
"The world of technology can be difficult for some." - Press Release
We offer a range of quality services to satisfy any possible technical support requirement. Time and time again, companies rely on our services to fish their workers out of daily situations and problems. Most companies only give you the "royal shaft" treatment, Techronia gives you the answers. We probe deep into the partially working minds of our clients and delve into their shallow waters to discover what they want from us. Whether it's the fact that they are incapable of figuring out a device like the "mouse" that 6.7 million other people know how to use, or finding that ever elusive power switch for the monitor, we are here to help.
Lets look at just some of the service offerings available from Techronia at competitive industry rates...
Techronia Phone Support
When the statement "Click Here" isn't clear enough; when "Press any key to continue..." doesn't provide enough options; when "Are you sure you wish to format non-removable device?" is just not informative enough, Techronia will be there. Tony Pallers explains, "It was about 3:45pm and we received a call from what we classify here as a Loser User... ", stopping momentarily to reminisce he continues in the sound of the users voice, "I have lost all my files! I go to drive 'A' just like the book says, and the computer says there is nothing there!" Tony continues in his normal voice, "I asked the user if he took the disk in drive A out. The user on the other end of the phone is silent for a few seconds and replies, 'yeah, why do you ask?' To which I replied, "BECAUSE YOUR FILES ARE ON THAT DISK YOU MORON!" Quick, accurate service makes Techronia, support firm chart topper for the past 5 years.
Techronia Priority Out Of Hours [blip] Service
"I remember one client calling... It was about 2am and he used our Priority Out of Hours [blip] Service... He called saying that his screen was blank, his mind was blank, and he needed to start writing a presentation due to management the next morning." recalls technician Bob Goldbalm. "We immediately provided a solution, by asking the user to plug the computer in, "For the thing to work, just plug it in, moron!". "It's moments like this, to hear the squeals of glee from this rediculous moron that make me feel like I am doing my job." says Bob shaking his head in disbelief.
Techronia Group Therapy
It doesn't just end at simple phone support for our customers... Since things like, undeleteing files clients so recklessly deleted isn't always possible, we offer stupidity consultations. We open up user groups to talk about where their stupidity originated. Heredity, social status, the fact that they received a pink slip 3 weeks ago but are still working for the company, are all group discussion topics that bring subjects into the open. Although most of the clients are irreparably moronic for the rest of their lives, we can look at ways of curving the impact of their truly stupid acts from effecting the remainder of the company.
Techronia Out of Hours On-Site
It was about 11:30 on a Sunday morning, when I get a request to go onto a client site. When I arrive, a man flailing his arms comes up to me and states, "I'm trying to print this document!...And the printer wont work! Why can't you guys get this printing thing right?" the user said. I approached the printer, pointed to it, and said, "Do you know what that blinking red light next to 'PAPER JAM' means?", to which there was the usual pause and, "No?" Opening the printer I exclaimed, "It means there is a paper jam, as in open the printer, and take the stupid paper out, idiot." Our on-site support not only resolves the immediate problem, but helps instruct the user on how to resolve the problem in future incidences, rather then resorting to their usual complete display of arrogance.
For further information on these and many other services, contact 1-800-DUM-USER
Original material "Technical Support" Copyright 2000 Visca Corporation. All rights reserved.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Tell me something.
Just what is it about using a wash cloth when you shower that is so important??
I consider myself a very clean person, but when I mention to a woman that I do not use a wash cloth when I shower, I get this disgusted "typical male" look.
If I have been out working on my truck, and I come in with grease on my hands, and under my fingernails, and I go to the bathroom and wash my hands by rubbing them together with soap and water, NOW they're "ok" to eat ribs and lick the sauce off my fingers, but showering with soap and water and rubbing my body with only my soapy hands is not sanitary?
I'll tell you where this originated. It originated with a man trying to make his wife's work easier, and to save a little money.
My daddy called it 'pre-drying'. Daddy always said "I wring out the washrag and I pre-dry with it, and then the towel doesn't have to soak up much water, and I can use it again before it has to be washed. That way Mom doesn't have as many towels to wash and fold."
Well I took dear old Dad's brilliant idea, and I improved on it.
I don't use the wash cloth to wash with at all. I use my hands to wash with, (vigorously), and then use a couple of wash cloths to dry with. Now my towel doesn't have to do much of the work at all.
I'm very proud of the fact that I can get get anywhere from two to six months on one towel.
ALSO, since the wash cloths are only soaking up clean water, I can use them for several weeks before they get hard and crusty.
All this talk about showering and being squeaky clean is making me dread my long, hot, sweaty work day tomorrow.
It starts at 6:00.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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