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Saturdiner #976942
09/06/14 01:15 AM
09/06/14 01:15 AM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Samuel Goldwyn (1882 - 1974), Goldwyn's Law of Contracts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.

TOTAL: $21.00


Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee

TOTAL: $1,350.00
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The following Alzheimers test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a single mistake. The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is [blip] cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ever wonder why the chicken crossed the road?

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of "did" is.

GEORGE BUSH JR: I don't know, but I'll tell you this: That chicken may run, but it can't hide. God bless America.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: Did you actually see it cross the road? Or did you suddenly notice that it had appeared on the other side? You think you saw it cross the road, but that's an illusion. How many more chickens have to appear before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken Millenium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: What color was the chicken? If you do your research, you will find that it was a white chicken. Roads are always black. The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association

Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep

Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose

The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad

The Tickling Babysitter

A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides

Charles Manson Bedtime Stories

Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle

Babar Becomes a Piano

Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

David Duke's World of Imagination

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

Legends of Scab Football

Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina

Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer

Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them

Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes

The Care Bears : Maul Some Campers

You Were an Accident

Strangers Have the Best Candy

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Bi-Curious George

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

You Are Different and That's Bad

Dad's New Wife Timothy

Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games

Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets

Why Your Moms "Flashlight" Vibrates

Detours Using Local High Traffic Rail Tracks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


I'm still having computer problems, but I think maybe I have it taken care of. rolleyes


You know how THAT goes. razz


Either way, it's still mighty late here. tired


I have to close again tonight, and then get up at 4:30 on my day off (Sunday), and go in for a 6:00am all store meeting. hardwall


Ah the good life. The privileges never cease. woot


On a sincerely good note, I had a heck of a payday today, on account of us hitting our quarterly bonus again, to the note of about $600 for me. penguin


That's $600 before taxes. razz


Ok I'm headin fer the shed y'all.


Have a happy day.



joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #976950
09/06/14 04:38 AM
09/06/14 04:38 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Online happy
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Online Happy
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe. Hope you get some sleep! Coffee is ready. Happy Day wished for All! wave wave


Gerry
Re: Saturdiner [Re: Kaki's Sister] #976955
09/06/14 06:28 AM
09/06/14 06:28 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 29,022
Unionville
manxman Offline
Sonic Boomer
manxman  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 29,022
Unionville
Good morning Joe, Gerry and all boomers to follow. wave Hope everyone has a super Saturday smile


Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #976956
09/06/14 07:01 AM
09/06/14 07:01 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,019
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,019
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Joe, congrats on the bonus, sorry you have to get up early on your day off. Today is haircut day for me. To all here and all that follow, have a Wonderful Saturday. Danish, Omelets, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. summer


Connie
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #976960
09/06/14 08:22 AM
09/06/14 08:22 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Sorry about your store meeting, Joe. Those are always inconvenient. rolleyes Glad your computer problem is resolved!

Have a great day, Gerry.

Enjoy your Saturday, manxman.

Hope you get a great haircut, Connie. Thanks for the delicious breakfast. smile

I'm off today and tomorrow. Until the fourth quarter at least, I should actually start having weekends off. rah However, kitty version Venus seems to be having issues again. She doesn't seem as bad as last time, but she does keep going back to her litter box. I will most likely call the vet we went to when he gets in and ask if it's okay to give her more of the medicine he gave us. He said her problem wasn't severe, as her bladder was empty when he checked. She just has an irritation and thinks she has to go when she doesn't.

Okay, off to have my breakfast now and probably call the vet a little bit after nine. Hope everyone has a great Saturday. summer


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #976961
09/06/14 08:24 AM
09/06/14 08:24 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, congrats on the bonus. woot

Gerry, coffee....Yes!

Manxman happy day to you also.

Connie, hope the haircut looks super.

Venus, good morning. Didn't see you there. Hope kitty will feel better soon.

A nice morning dog walk then a trip to Wal Mart this afternoon. Wishing everyone a wonderful day! puppy

Last edited by GBC; 09/06/14 08:25 AM.

Gail
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #976964
09/06/14 08:43 AM
09/06/14 08:43 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good morning everyone. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #976966
09/06/14 09:21 AM
09/06/14 09:21 AM
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer
Yankee Clipper  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Hi all, what a morning already. First off -yesterday I bought some really expensive cat food in little bitty plastic containers -I don't like plastic containers- and couldn't wait to treat them this AM and Buttercup threw her's up all over the kitchen rug. She does this when she eats too fast. Then I turned on the Jura for my coffee and it did something to the San Antonio radio station and now only that station is total static. Boo Hoo, no Saturday morning garden show. Then yesterday I filled the sink to do dishes, no washer, and the water drained out. Darn. So i have 2 new shiney sink stoppers but a load of dishes. Just like old times. Also yesterday after grocery-ing exhaustion hit with a force and I have slept 14 hours. Wow!! Old age sneaking up.

Other that these all is roses.

I hope the Buttercup is OK because she started coughing again so I chased her out of the house.

And Sorta, you are correct, opossums do like apples

Have a great day all and if mine is too bumpy i'll just start my new book, The Harbinger


I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #976978
09/06/14 11:05 AM
09/06/14 11:05 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Congrats on the nice bonus Joe!!! Way to go! Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee as it is a little chilly here this morning. Got down to 47 last night. Brrrr to early!! Have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

Connie happy hair cutting!! thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!

venus hope the kitty will be OK!! HUGS! Enjoy the day off and have a lovely day!

Gail have a nice dog walk, me and Sassy have one of our milers in for the day! Have a lovely day!

Space welcome to the weekend!! Have a lovely day!

Oh Yankee hope kitty is OK!! May the day only get better for you!! Have a lovely day!!

wave
Nan

Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #976984
09/06/14 12:02 PM
09/06/14 12:02 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Well, Yankee, you sure had an exciting day! Don't worry about the kitty and throwing up. I had the same problem when I bought some of the 'fancy' food for my cats. They ALL gobbled and threw up. Had to ration it after that to a tablespoon each and the problem was solved. Also had the same problem with switching dry food over to a tastier brand. Meow Mix makes all the Outdoorsies chomp and throw up in due time. I got tired of cleaning the deck and went back to good old Friskies. Also the Meow mix attracted more ants, and the possums and raccoons emptied the feeder nightly. I'm talking 2 lbs of food a night gone. So with the Friskies, they just eat and leave some for the next guy. They are still fat and healthy.

Venus, have you tried that kitty pheromone spray? It's incredibly expensive for a tiny spray bottle, but I used it when my older kitties got anxious or ill at ease and it really calms them. You just spray it around their favorite areas (bedding, couch) but not directly on the cat and in a few minutes, they are relaxed and happy. Might work for you kitty just to get her feeling 'happy'. It's sort of the opposite of catnip reactions. I used it for my Outdoorsie Old Spot Cat (who is over 20) and sprayed her bed in her little tent when she started acting very erratic. Put her in and she just calmed down and slept well and got over whatever was bothering her. Hope kitty Venus feels better soon.

Friend who I am 'coaching' about her Executor duties on a huge estate of a friend, (the deal about the sold/stolen claw foot tub) is coming over to take me to breakfast. Nice. Haven't done that for ages. She's still working and all the rest of us are retired, so she's the only one with major stress. This will be good. I printed out a letter to the 'estate sales company' asking for the return of that tub or a compromise of cash so it can be replaced. It looks like it will be about 3k counting finding a suitable, good condition claw foot, delivery, installation by a plumber, etc. I think they may be willing to negotiate once they get the very , friendly nicely worded letter. I'm a great 'complaint' letter writer. Always get results. She, not so good at being non-accusatory or using 'trigger' words. Hope she likes it.


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #976993
09/06/14 01:47 PM
09/06/14 01:47 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
Good afternoon boomies! Hubby and I took the dogs to the river this morning so they are happy and content now.

be back....hope you all are having a great day.


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #977017
09/06/14 04:25 PM
09/06/14 04:25 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Super Saturday ya'll puppy

Boys here....

Hubby had a great day in the UK visiting friends and enjoying all the beautiful scenery.

Now off to lay down. I have a "I didn't sleep well last night" headache


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #977053
09/06/14 08:26 PM
09/06/14 08:26 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
I was desperately trying to take a nap for the last 4 hours, but it's not happening. lol
I've been outside getting bit to pieces by mosquitos talking to 3 sets of neighbors. Lots of drama next door but I'm learning more and more about them. Some people just are a mess.

Anyway, I am waiting for hubby to come home from golf and we will head out for a Lite dinner.

Happy saturday all!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #977056
09/06/14 09:45 PM
09/06/14 09:45 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Ana, have fun! How are you feeling?


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #977059
09/06/14 10:05 PM
09/06/14 10:05 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Checking in to say good night all. Been a busy day. Worked the 5 to 8 shift didn't sit down much but got a lot done. Hope you're all having a good night. I have an early shift in the morning. See you then. Night.

Midgie hearts sleep


Just do it.
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #977073
09/07/14 12:00 AM
09/07/14 12:00 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
Well I managed to get the two other couples we hang out with to meet us for pizza and adult beverages and now I am really beat! I'm going to have some watermelon and head to bed.

L4L, I'm hanging in there. I still have not come to grips with the pillow attached to the sling. We are still not friends. lol How are you?

sweet dreams all.....


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #977074
09/07/14 12:02 AM
09/07/14 12:02 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Good Night everybody! Sleep well and pleasant dreams!

sleep
Nan

Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1] #977075
09/07/14 12:03 AM
09/07/14 12:03 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
Good night Nan!


Don't feed the Trolls
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