Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
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The bartender could not help but notice how sad Simon was looking this evening. He asked, "Hey, why the long face? Everything okay at home?"
Simon replied, "Fought with my wife. he swore she will give me the silent treatment for a whole month."
The bartender joked, "C, mon...you should be glad about it. I mean, how many people have the good fortune of not being nagged by the missus for a month?"
Simon said, "The oath ends tonight."
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Dan was unemployed, so he would run errands and look after the house while his wife, Donna worked.
One day, Dan was doing all sorts of repairs in the bathroom, when he decided to paint the toilet seat. Donna came home early that day and wanted to use the washroom. Dan did not remember to warn her about the paint. The moment she sat on the seat, it was pasted to her behind. Try as she may, she could not get it off. Dan tried too but to no avail. Finally, they had no choice but to take her to a doctor.
She draped herself in a large coat to hide the seat. At the doctor's clinic, Dan lifted the coat to show the doctor what had happened and said, "I bet you have never seen something like this before."
"I have" replied the doctor, "but never in a frame."
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Joe Garner goes to see his doctor but is shy to share his problem. Dr. Xarsis helps him relax and then asks him to talk freely about his problem.
Joe hesitates for a moment, then says, "Err...I have trouble performing in bed. My wife is always complaining. Is there something that you can do for me?"
Dr Xarsis says to him cheerfully, "Your problems are a thing of the past, Joe. Haven't you heard about Viagra? It will put to rest all your worries and you will be performing like a tiger!"
The good doctor gives some pills to Joe whose leaves the doctor's clinic with fresh hopes.
A couple of days later, Joe has a chance meeting with Dr. Xarsis at a coffee shop. Joe whispers into the doctor's ears, "That drug is fantastic! I can't thank you enough!"
Dr. Xarsis asks him with a smile, "I am happy for you. What does your wife have to say?"
"Wife?" says Joe, "Uhh...I'll see what she has to say tonight."
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Li Hong, a desperate Chinese guy decides to hire the services of a woman of the night. As soon as they are in the room, they undress and get on with it.
When done, Li Hong gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates his head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, comes out from the other side, jumps into the bed and performs another session with the woman.
The woman is impressed with the energy of Li Hong. When done, the Chinese guy gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates his head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, comes out from the other side, jumps into the bed and performs a third session with the woman.
This happens 3 more times. The woman can't help but wonder how this guy rejuvenates himself after such rigorous sessions. So she decides to try it out, gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates her head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, only to find 5 Chinese men.
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Li Hong, a desperate Chinese guy decides to hire the services of a woman of the night. As soon as they are in the room, they undress and get on with it.
When done, Li Hong gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates his head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, comes out from the other side, jumps into the bed and performs another session with the woman.
The woman is impressed with the energy of Li Hong. When done, the Chinese guy gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates his head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, comes out from the other side, jumps into the bed and performs a third session with the woman.
This happens 3 more times. The woman can't help but wonder how this guy rejuvenates himself after such rigorous sessions. So she decides to try it out, gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates her head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, only to find 5 Chinese men.
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Bill got into an argument with his wife Stella. Stella went out fuming in rage.
When she returned, Bill asked her, "Where did you leave my car??"
Stella replied, "In the garden."
Bill said, "But there's noway into the garden!"
Stella gave him a sarcastic look and replied, "Now there is!"
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Tim, a clarinet player and Jim, a flute player were playing fusion music at a club on Christmas eve. Everybody seemed to be enjoying the music and there was applause every few minutes.
When the place was to close down for the night, the club manager met the two musicians and made an offer, "Good job guys. They love you. Would you both be able to play here next Christmas eve?"
Tim and Jim take a quick glance at each other and Jim says to the manager, "No problem, we would love to...is it ok with you if we leave our instruments here?"
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This funny incident happened right in front of my eyes.
I was in the Metro train in Washington DC when a young man, who seemed to have had a drink too many, flopped into an empty seat.
An old lady sitting next to him got agitated and remarked, "I can see your future.You are going to hell."
The inebriated guy jumped out of his seat, and yelled, "But I need to go to Pentagon city!"
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Ever worried about his wife's excessive weight, Jim said to to his friend John, "Mary took up horse riding to lose weight. Lost 8 Kgs."
John said, "Good for her, hard work bears fruit."
Jim sad, "No, not her. The horse lost weight."
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When Annabelle decided to take a break from city life, she landed in a small village in the outskirts of the city.
Enjoying her sabbatical, she ventured into a farm. Patting one of the animals, she asked the farmer, "Why is this cow without horns?"
Farmer Joe was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Let me explain to you ma'am. Cattle can sometimes cause harm with horns, so we use various measures to prevent the harm. Either we trim 'em with a chainsaw,
or we catch them young & apply acid where horns grow to stop the growth. There are also breeds that don't grow horns at all. But none of the above reasons applies to this cow. You know why? Cos it's a horse!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's about an hour and forty minutes past 11:00 here, and I'm one tired old dawg.
Thank goodness I'm off for 24 hours.
If I'm not too tired tomorrow I may go buy some groceries at the Wall store.
That'll just about fill my out my day.
Such an achievement.
I certainly hope you get as much done on your day.
Have a happy one everybody.
joe
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for the laughs Joe and welcome to the weekend Boomers. 