The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FUNNY CELEBRITY QUOTES
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid
problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b----." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a [blip], and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
The head doctors in a lunatic asylum have a meeting and decide that one of their patients is potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies.
When they get to the movie theater, there are 'wet paint' signs pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down.
The doctors get all excited because they think he may be in touch with reality now. So they ask him: "Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
He answers: "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready ? What is the time?
1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________
7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________
8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________
9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________
10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver? ____________________
Answers in the following article - no cheating now! GOOD LUCK!
1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock,then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
SHORT SNOW JOKES
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Where do snowmen go to dance?
How do snowmen travel around?
What sort of ball doesn't bounce?
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?
How do you call an Eskimo cow?
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm making a mad dash for the bed again.
I woke up last night at 1:30, and my head was throbbing .
I had to get up and go out to my truck to get some headache tabs, and then try and go back to sleep.
I didn't get much sleep.
I am bone tired, and my boss called to ask me to come in tomorrow at 6am instead of 7.
One brother left today, the other in the morning, and that will leave me home alone again.
Gotta get to bed now. I'll tell you about our house repairs tomorrow, ok.
Have a happy day everyone.