Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Dick Clark
~~~~~~~~~~~
Airport Security Suggestion.... An engineer (ex-NASA project director) has what I think is
the near perfect solution for airport security!
*Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body
scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into
that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device
you may have on you.*
*It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this
[blip] about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long
and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift..*
*Case Closed!*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied..
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians...' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I f you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a
little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said
with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her
dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to
tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Oh me oh my
I'm a happy guy
and I don't know why
so I'll just keep on smiling.
How is everyone doing this morning?
I had a really busy day yesterday, and today will be about as busy. I didn't get any painting on the cabinets done yesterday. I didn't get to it. Instead I burned more and more trash, and I mowed.
I have some more intruders coming to look at the house today at 2:00.
I have to go get groceries this morning, and then hopefully come back and start painting on the cabinets again.
I guess after I get through this day, I can go back to work and get some rest.
Oh me oh my
I'm a happy guy
and I don't know why....
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
) as Thorsgoats worked overnight. Luckily, she seemed to feel much better not long after she'd had her medicine.
Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!