You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
A guy with a Doberman pinscher asks his friend who has a Chihuahua if he wants to grab a bite to eat.
The man with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go into a restaurant. We've got dogs with us."
"Just follow my lead," assures the other man.
They walk over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses before entering.
When he gets inside, the doorman says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed."
To which the man replies, "It's OK, this is my seeing eye dog."
"A Doberman?" the confused host asks.
"Yes, they're using them now. They're really quite good."
The host shrugs and says, "Come on in."
Next, the guy with the Chihuahua decides to give it a try, so he puts on his sunglasses and walks in.
The host stops him immediately and says, "Sorry guy, no pets allowed."
"You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog," the man replies.
The host says, "Oh, come on, a Chihuahua?"
At which point the man yells, "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it is very slippery out there."
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
After receiving His son`s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards him. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs
in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry
to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Good morning everyboomie.
How is everyone this morning?
I had a good day off , but I'm pretty miserable now. My sinus has been giving me fits, and my throat is very raw and scratchy for several days because of that. Now it's full blown grief.
The weather has been beautiful, but still getting warm enough that I want air at night. I like the room in the 60s to sleep. Day before yesterday I locked myself out of the house, and to get in I had to take the window ac unit out, and crawl through my bedroom window, so instead of using the window ac, I had to use the central air, which blew cold air right straight down on me all night.
In other news, the house is being over run by mice. The only kitty left around here is a black male named Sambo, that I seldom see.
I bought some mice traps and I've already caught two. I thought that would be the end of it, but tonight I saw another one running around the room here where I sit.
Baby is terrible. She just looks at them and yawns.
She's strictly a big game hunter.
If it were a raccoon, or a squirrel she would be all over it, but a mouse is "Ho hum."
Have a happy day everyone.