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#984658 - Yesterday at 07:00 PM Hump Day
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30063
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
Herodotus (484 BC - 430 BC), The Histories of Herodotus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."
~~~~~~~~~~~


Once ther was an insurance saleman from the city going out to the farm community to sell insurance to the farmers. He was way out in the country when he had engine trouble. Not knowing anything about cars he gets out and looks under the hood anyway.
All of a sudden he hears a voice that says " Its the carborator "

The insurance man jumps , and looks around, seeing no one . He then looks under the hood again hoping it is something visible that he could fix himself, when he hears the voice again " Its the carborator "

The man jumps again and turns around only seeing a large Brahma bull behind him. Scared out of his wits he takes off running to the nearest farm house he can see.

He knocks on the door, the farmer answers, the man immediately goes into his speal about the bull.

The farmer scratches his head and says " Does he have one straight ear and one floppy ear? "

The man nods "Yes, Yes ".

The farmer laughs and says, "I wouldn't worry much about him."

"Why not?"

"He's not nearly the mechanic that he thinks he is."
~~~~~~~~~~


Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with
you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not here to gyp?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink.
He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!"

The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks "Hey, I don't have a house."

He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again. Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells, "Hey Joe! Your dad has died!"

So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks, "Wait a minute ... my dad died years ago."

He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up. "Joe! Congratulations! You've won the lottery! There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"

The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office. He almost gets there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute. My name ain't Joe..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir"

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bad. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir."

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.

Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:

"Private Jones! Front and center."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Private Jones! Jump!"

Jones just stood there, unmoving.

"Private Jones! I said jump!"

The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.

"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"

The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."

Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."

Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"

Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.

By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.

As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:

"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"

Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"
~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave


My other day off is over now, just like the other one. penguin


No wait. I am not happy about that. razz


I'm not happy primarily because I feel rough, and I know it'll be another rough night. woot Woo Hoo!


At any rate, I go in at 5:00, so I'll be off at 2:00. taz


Wait a minute. I AM happy about that. thumbsup


As a matter of fact, I don't think I'd be any happier if I'd had two full days of gratuitous sex. oops shocked


At my age..... snicker



(Alternate ending)

As a matter of fact, I hope your day will be as happy as that. woot


Have a happy day everyone.



joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#984683 - Yesterday at 08:50 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6057
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
A happy day to you Joe!! crazyI'll put the coffee on and keep it fresh!Wishing you all a happy hump day!We are in for rain smirk
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#984688 - Yesterday at 09:30 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5507
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Joe, I'm glad getting off work early in the day makes you that happy. Wish it worked for me. lol

Sounds like a good day for gaming, Cailyn. smile

It's Tuesday night for me. I had a disappointing day. Left work early all excited about playing Dreamfall Chapters today, then found out I couldn't play it because GOG keys are still not available. It's ironic as I qualify for early access, yet I'll be playing the game later than most everyone else. sad Oh, well, looks like I'll be playing tomorrow after work . . . hopefully. crazy smile

As for now, I'm off to sleep. Hope everyone has a great Wednesday. fall

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#984696 - Yesterday at 10:34 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65226
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning Joe, Sue, venus and all to follow! Still in the corner and scrambling. Everything takes so long one handed.

I wish you all a fantastic day. hearts
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#984710 - Today at 01:46 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7817
Loc: Greece
Good morning,have all a great day. happydance wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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