If all the year were playing holidays; To sport would be as tedious as to work.
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), 'The First Part of King Henry the IV'
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There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'The bus doesn't leave till morning!"
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A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.
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At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, fool?!"
"No I don't." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
~~~~~~~~~~~
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend.
"Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend.
"He was 95 years old", answers the man.
"Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?".
"Because his parachute didn't open".
~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
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Good morning everyboomie.
I have been having trouble staying awake all evening.
It feels so darned good snoozing in my easy chair in front of the TV.
I think I seriously missed my calling. There is a lot to be said for a career as a mattress tester.
I'm so tired I could be re-tired by now.
Yeah......I know. That joke was a nightmare.
Ah well, it coulda been worse. My sister's not in it.
Sorry sis.....
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Enjoy your free day. 
Good Morning Joe, Ana, BobH, Haroula and venus. Joe hope you catch up on some zzzzzs! 
Good Luck at PT. 
BobH have a great day. 
Coffee is ready! Happy Day to All! 
Gerry thanks for the coffee!Wishing you all a happy day 
Thanks for the laughs this morning Joe!! Have a lovely day!
