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Monday Mourning #986701
11/02/14 08:23 PM
11/02/14 08:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
It is in the knowledge of the genuine conditions of our lives that we must draw our strength to live and our reasons for living.
Simone de Beauvoir
~~~~~~~~~~~

One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A drunk had 14 shots of tequilla. After he decides to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies,"someone broke into my car, they stole the stearing wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."

Minutes later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "nevermind, i got into the backseat by mistake."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A motorist was being bogged down in a muddy road, and had to pay a farmer a undred dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer: "With these prices, you should be pulling people out of the mud night and day!".
"I can't", replied the farmer, "At night I haul water for the hole".
~~~~~~~~~

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind."

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm afraid," said the heart surgeon, "that you're going to need a bypass operation."

The patient squirmed uneasily in the seat.

"I-I'd like a second opinion, if you don't mind."

"Not at all," replied the surgeon. "You're also ugly as sin."
~~~~~~~~~

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Good morning everyboomie. welcome


I have to hurry and post. My battery is not recharging anymore. mad


The place where you plug in the adaptor gets loose and won't make a connection.


It always happens on these laptops. I may not be able to get on line tomorrow. slapforehead


Have a happy day everyone.


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986702
11/02/14 08:34 PM
11/02/14 08:34 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,145
Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist
cailyn  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,145
Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe wave Hope you can get to stay online! We had 60 mile an hour winds and Snow all day today eekWay to early for snow!!I got the coffee going wishing you all a happy day turkey


I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986704
11/02/14 09:06 PM
11/02/14 09:06 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Joe, I hope you can get it fixed! We need our daily dose of Joe. hearts

Sue, that's the weather we had for Halloween. Thanks for the coffee, have a great day!

Have a wonderful day everyone! I'll be doing cleaning part 2. I cleaned for 4 hours yesterday. It takes so long to clean one armed. At one point I got agitated dusting and I just swiped everything on the ground to dust a shelf.

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986709
11/02/14 10:20 PM
11/02/14 10:20 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good morning and have a terrific Monday Joe, Cailyn, Ana and all who come in after me. wave

It's Sunday night for me, and I need to get to sleep as I have an early day in the morning. Too bad I can't make the weekend last longer. lol Have a great Monday, everyone. fall


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986723
11/03/14 02:40 AM
11/03/14 02:40 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Good morning,have a happy day everyone. happydance smile wave


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986732
11/03/14 06:24 AM
11/03/14 06:24 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
fall Good Morning Joe, Sue, Ana, venus and Haroula. Joe I hope you get your computer fixed! Ana's right we need you to open the Diner! Sue we didn't get the snow but we did get the high winds! Venus don't work to hard. Haroula enjoy your day. Wishing everyone a good one! fall


Gerry
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986747
11/03/14 08:28 AM
11/03/14 08:28 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers turkey

Joe, hope your computer runs smoothly soon.

Ana, enjoy whatever plans you make for the day.

Sue, weather looking a lot better than yesterday. At least the wind died down.

Venus, enjoy the day!

Haroula, good afternoon!

Gerry, have a wonderful Monday.

Church is having a women's book study and get-together on Monday mornings. Be back later. lab


Gail
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986752
11/03/14 09:14 AM
11/03/14 09:14 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 29,026
Unionville
manxman Offline
Sonic Boomer
manxman  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 29,026
Unionville
Good Monday morning boomers. Hope everyone has a magnificent day smile


Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: manxman] #986764
11/03/14 10:59 AM
11/03/14 10:59 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer
Darlene  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your computer problems skoosh! Happy Monday Mourning!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

November has begun... turkey

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!


Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986765
11/03/14 11:09 AM
11/03/14 11:09 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Aw Joe, hope you can get that cord fixed so it works properly! Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Sue your weather does not sound nice at all. This is too early. Hope it is better today! Have a lovely day.

Aw Ana HUGS!!!!!!! Hope things go better for you today!

venus have fun at work and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry hope the high wids are gone now. Have a lovely day!

Gail enjoy the book study! Do you know which book? Have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

Darlene it sure has! May work all go smoothly for you and you have a lovely day!

wave
NAn

Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986770
11/03/14 11:48 AM
11/03/14 11:48 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Lovely cold mornings now. The flies that are plaguing the cat's food outside were almost non-existent today. Wheeeee. Hot weather hatched them out, cold weather kills. Nice.

I'm still getting used to the new 'time'. Still getting up when the clock says 7am but my mind is not cooperating.

Bank day. Hooray! I can pay my bills. Property tax was due a few days back and I didn't have enough in the checking to cover the 1/2 they want. Thank goodness for grace periods. Everything will even out by Jan 1 when my tenant/friend pays me the entire year of rent in advance. It's a deal we made. He pays a full year and I don't raise his rent. Makes it easy so I have a 'cushion' of money in my account for the 'big' things like taxes, insurance, car regis. Works for both of us.

Off to find Penelope. Thank goodness she wasn't here for the normal Outdoorsie feeding this morning. Yesterday was a pain.


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986778
11/03/14 12:53 PM
11/03/14 12:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

It's cold out there. Freeze warnings last night eek I've been waiting for the sun to warm us up to an acceptable "walk the dogs" temperature. We are almost there, so will grab the monkeys and head on out in a sec. It's that or go back to bed, so will try walking first wave

edit: Okay, mission accomplished. Mom and doggies walked. It is so much warmer at the park than it is at our house. Have to shed layers right off the bat. Skywalker was fractious for the first lap and then after a half lap on an extremely short leash, he got the message and settled down. Had a great walk and now I'm tired.


Last edited by looney4labs; 11/03/14 03:17 PM.

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986800
11/03/14 05:36 PM
11/03/14 05:36 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986806
11/03/14 06:04 PM
11/03/14 06:04 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Afternoon, Space, how has your day been?


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986827
11/03/14 09:04 PM
11/03/14 09:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Good evening boomies! I was very productive today and steam cleaned the carpets and cleaned the bathrooms. I'm almost at the point where the whole house will be clean at one time. lol

Are we having fun yet?


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986833
11/03/14 09:53 PM
11/03/14 09:53 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986837
11/03/14 10:20 PM
11/03/14 10:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Hi boomies. I had a very productive day also Ana. Worked a split shift, again tomorrow. We had our shower heads replaced to be more efficient, and our thermostats replaced for the same reason. I'll let you know how efficient when I get the bills. I hope you all had a good day today. I'm headed for bed soon sso I'll just say good night. See you in the morning.

Midgie hearts sleep turkey ghost ghost2 Jackpumpkin


Just do it.
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #986838
11/03/14 10:21 PM
11/03/14 10:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Ana, steam cleaning one-armed? Be careful!

Bed is beckoning. Sweet dreams all sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
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