The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball (1911 - 1989)
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Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the old biddies."
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George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price". "No, it's not that," says George.
"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!
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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
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The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation, but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting and he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical, but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
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A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"
Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.
He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand...
The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?"
The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."
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The American ambassador visited the Molvanian president. In the waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes.
When he entered he said to the president, "I really don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers, and my gold watch was disappeared."
So the president answered, "OK. I'll take care of it," left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch.
The ambassador said, "Thank you very much," said the ambassador. "I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them."
"That's OK," said the president. "They did not notice."
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A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
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Good morning everyboomie.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! 
I feel like Halloween just slipped right by me.
I used to enjoy it so much.
I must have slept through it.
Sure having trouble staying awake right now.
No wonder it's 12:50 in the AM.
I'm watching David Blain do magic on TV.
He is pretty unbelievable.
I wonder if he can make my sister disappear.
On that note I think I'd better disappear.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Have a great Thump Day!
Have a lovely day!
