Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Steve Jobs (1955 - 2011), Stanford Commencement Address, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in fifteen years, met for lunch one day, to catch up.
"I got married and my husband just bought me a 24K gold necklace," said the first woman.
"That's nice," said the second.
"And he bought me a Mercedes sports car for our anniversary."
"That's nice."
"And he bought me a house along the beach for my birthday."
"That's nice."
"I heard you were married and went through a messy divorce - what did your husband get for you while you were together?"
"He sent me to finishing school."
"What did you learn at finishing school?"
"To say 'that's nice' instead of 'go to hell!'"
~~~~~~~~~~
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was about to end my life, you show up and drink my poison."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful..."
One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either,
ossifer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either,
mofficer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either,
possifier."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Happy......Monday.
It's been a very long day on this end, and I have the dozzies, as in dozing off....on....off....on....off.
Monday marks the beginning of my last two days of work before my week off.....of work.....at Lowe's.
I may have to work a day or two while on 'vacation'.
Getting very close now to my last day/night at the old homestead.
I hope you all have a very happy day.
joe
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To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Monday. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and Oatmeal in the NC. 
