I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
Augusten Burroughs, Magical Thinking
~~~~~~~~~~
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry for the outburst. I hope I didn't scare you, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee, and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "He should see the back of mine!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.
"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."
"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.
"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."
"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John went to the store the other day. He was only in there for about five minutes, and when he came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So John went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored John and continued writing the ticket. So John called him a stupid idiot. He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then John really got angry at the cop. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more John abused him, the more tickets he wrote. John didn't really care.
His car was parked around the corner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."
~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile,
just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy
and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the
plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to
land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to
land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along
for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as
any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last
minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Holy Heck" he says, "That is the
SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to
land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try
again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right,
I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just
going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and
miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears
and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever
designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron!
No one could land on anything that short!"
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "Sorry your honor, I thought he was talking to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gates and says "There are 3 rooms here and you can choose which one you want to spend eternity in".
The Devil takes him to the first room where there were people hanging from the walls by their wrists and obviously in agony.
The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains.
The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees loads of people sitting around, up to their waists in dung, drinking cups of tea.
The man decides instantly which room he is going to spend the rest of eternity in and chooses the last room. He goes into the third room, picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying "Ok, guys, tea break's over, back on your heads
~~~~~~~~~~~
* A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
* A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here."
The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."
* A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."
* And the most famous of them all...
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top You are getting better at the bottom"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Joe's Diner, done daily, and daily over done.
Ah well, you know I'd rather come off as over cooked, than half baked.
At least you can scrape the burnt part off your toast.
Half baked toast ain't fit for jam.
I know out there somewhere someone is asking their self "What IS he talking about?"
That's quite alright......as long as you don't ask me.
You see when my body is ready for bed, that is the overriding thought on my mind.
Every other thought in my head is bouncing around my brain trying to get around that thought.
Some make it, and those are the thoughts that get posted.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I'll get the coffee going! A Sunny day wished for all 
Good Morning Joe, manxman, Ana, Haroula, and Sue. Joe hope you get to sleep in this morning. Manxman is that your kitty you have for your Avatar? Ana what a night for you! Haroula enjoy your day. Sue thanks for the coffee. How are things going for you? Hope all is well. Wishing everyone a quiet, peaceful day! 
Her hubby bit her face? Oh boy! You're neighborhood is way more interesting than mine today. Lucky you.
