Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man and work like a dog.
Caroline K. Simon
~~~~~~~~~
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.
'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,"but a man is sitting on the well."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news".
The guy says, "well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "well sir you have Cancer".
The guy says "that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease".
"Well", answers the guy, "at least I don't have Cancer".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"[blip]", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A Polish Paratrooper makes his first jump.
He was given the following instructions: "once you jumped you need to open your parachute. If it doesn't open, you have a reserve one. The Jeep will wait for you on the ground".
So, he gets on the plane, makes his jump, but can't open his parachute. He then tries to open the reserve chute, but it doesn't open either.
"Great", he says to himself, "That's just great! If that jeep is not there waiting now it's really going to ruin my day."
~~~~~~~~~~
A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."
The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!"
The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired."
The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say was in this bottle?
The driver answers, "Water!"
The policeman says, "No it is not, it's wine!"
The priest looks up to the heavens, shaking his head and says, "Oh dear Lord, he's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Only two days left in this month, and we'll be in the last month of the year.
Then it's on to 2015.
You may not believe this, but there was a time when I thought I would not survive until 2000.
That was before I quit smoking.
I'm just happy to be here now.
Pretty sure though I won't make it to Y3K.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, Haroula and venus. Joe you start my day with a smile! Haroula enjoy decorating! Venus have a great day too. Coffee is ready! A Happy Day wished for everyone! 
thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!
