Success isn't permanent, and failure isn't fatal.
Mike Ditka (1939 - )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood."
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
~~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Things actually said in court: Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one
hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you
anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So tell me, Mrs. Jones," asked the interviewer, "do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"
"Well, actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and
I also finished my novel."
"Very impressive," commented the interviewer, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."
Mrs. Jones explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."
~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip are entertaining the King and Queen of Tonga, during the visit they accept a customary ride in the horse drawn cart around the grounds of Sandringham Castle.
During the trip one of the horses passed gas and the sound and smell carried all the way through the cart to the royals. Embarrassed by this, the queen whispers in Phillip's ear "do you think I should mention that to our guests?". Phillip agrees saying "yes, that would be a good idea".
So the queen leans over to the the King of Tonga and says: "please do excuse me, I'm very embarrassed about that", to which the king of Tonga replies, "that is ok your highness, I thought it was the horse".
~~~~~~~~~~~
Surgery Problems
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
- Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night I
can't remember when I've been that
drunk.
- [blip]! Page 47 of the manual is
missing!
- Well this book doesn't say that...
What edition is your manual?
- OK, now take a picture from this
angle. This is truly a freak of
nature.
- Better save that. We'll need it for
the autopsy.
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen,
then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that
uh.....thingie
- If I can just remember how they did
this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml
of this stuff before?
- [blip], there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there's big money in
kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two
of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my
contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from
beating; it's throwing my
concentration off.
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an
experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean,
right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a
sex change!
- What do you mean, he's not insured?
- This patient has already had some
kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the
organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp
enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- I don't know what it is, but hurry up
and pack it in ice.
- Let's hurry, I don't want to
miss "Bay Watch"
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty
cool. Can I have some more of that?
- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that
one, he's still moving.
- Did the doctor know he would look
like that afterwards?
- Of course I've performed this
operation before, Nurse!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I think Santa is coming tonight.
My new neighbor told me I should take my trash out to the curb before I go to bed.
I think it's great that Santa picks up our trash now as he drops off gifts.
He has such infinite space on his sleigh, and the North Pole is a great place to take all the world's trash, and dump it, since it's such a vast frozen wasteland anyway.
Santa's elves can probably dig through all that trash and recycle a bunch. As they say, one man's trash is another man's Christmas presents.
I've gotta go put out some milk and cookies for Santa, before I go to bed.
.......Never mind about that Santa stuff. Neighbor just came back to remind me that the city trash pick-up is in the morning.
Well......I'm gonna have some milk and cookies and go to bed now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I hope you sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!!I'm off to bed my self 
Coffee is a brewing! I'll keep it hot and fresh,enjoy your day everyone! 
You never had trash pickup before did you? Do you like your neighbors? 
I think I'll be happy when it's January again. 
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Sue, SpaceQ, venus, Haroula and All who come in later. Hope you all have a wonderful day! 
