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Monday Mourning & Moaning #990832
11/30/14 07:07 PM
11/30/14 07:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
A person has three choices in life. You can swim against the tide and get exhausted, or you can tread water and let the tide sweep you away, or you can swim with the tide, and let it take you where it wants you to go.
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Northern Lights, 1993
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."
~~~~~~~~~

It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"

To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's [blip] slippery out there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
~~~~~~~~~~~

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"

The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
~~~~~~~~~

These are actual warnings given on various products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO (continued below)
advertisement

In which movie does D.L. Hughley costar with Morris Chestnut?



The Brothers

Chasing Papi

Scary Movie 3






ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.

8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


I think I was off yesterday, but it went by so fast I'm not positive about it. razz


I managed to do some laundry, clean house, go to Walmart for groceries, and I bought a new comforter set. yay


Now it's back to the Land of the Lost for four more days. Whoopee! woot


Starting at 5:00am. You know what that means, right? wink


I'm off to get ready for bed. Hey I got new bedding to sleep on. happydance


Have a happee dey everyone. thumbsup


joe


I know I know, but look: Hey = H+E+Y

sooooo..........................Day = D+E+Y

As in; "Back in my hey dey I was a strapping young lad. lol

Last edited by gymcandy1; 11/30/14 07:08 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990838
11/30/14 07:44 PM
11/30/14 07:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
lol Joe, those day offs go fast, don't they? I hope I have a few more off this week. grin

Have a happy day all, I have PT in the morning. Yuck!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990865
11/30/14 10:18 PM
11/30/14 10:18 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Joe, I think I had the exact same experience today. lol Hope work flies by for you.

Hope the PT flies by for you, Ana.

It's Sunday night for me, and I'm off to sleep. Tomorrow is the first day of my six day work week. crazy

Hope everyone has a great Monday. winter


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990867
11/30/14 10:58 PM
11/30/14 10:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
Have a great day Venus!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990885
12/01/14 01:42 AM
12/01/14 01:42 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Have a great day everyone.
Its time for the airport,see you. happydance wave


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: Haroula] #990894
12/01/14 06:11 AM
12/01/14 06:11 AM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,145
Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist
cailyn  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,145
Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana,Venus,Haroula waveIt's 50 degrees here rah Putting the coffee on wishing everyone a grand day! turkey


I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990895
12/01/14 06:12 AM
12/01/14 06:12 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
wave Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and Haroula and All coming to Joe's. Joe don't work to hard. Ana hope PT goes well. Haroula have a wonderful visit. Coffee is ready venus. Happy Day to All! wave

Missed you Sue! Enjoy your day! puppy


Gerry
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990903
12/01/14 07:13 AM
12/01/14 07:13 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers: kitty

Joe, thanks for being there each morning.

Sue, coffee is appreciated. Thanks.

Ana, hooping PT goes well for you.

Haroula, Happy traveling.

Venus, wishing you an easy workday.

Gerry, I'll have a cup of your coffee also.

Wishing everyone a wonderful day today. puppy


Gail
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990926
12/01/14 09:38 AM
12/01/14 09:38 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 29,022
Unionville
manxman Offline
Sonic Boomer
manxman  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 29,022
Unionville
Good morning boomers. Have a marvelous Monday everyone smile


Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: manxman] #990946
12/01/14 10:54 AM
12/01/14 10:54 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer
Darlene  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Monday is mahvelous!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

It's December.....where is the time going?

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!


Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990965
12/01/14 11:36 AM
12/01/14 11:36 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Joe may the next four fly by till your day off again! Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Ana good luck with your therapy today!! May all go well. Have a lovely day!

venus six in a row?....that's too long. lol May the time fly and all go well. Have a lovely day!

Haroula have fun and may travel be safe!! Have a lovely time.

Sue thanks for the coffee. Hits the spot this morning. It was -8 but felt like -25! Brrrr. Sassy made her trip out quick this morning. lol Have a lovely day!

Gerry have a lovely day!

Gail hope it's nice for a walk this morning. Have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

Darlene time sure does fly, almost another year gone. May work fly and all go smoothly! Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990969
12/01/14 12:21 PM
12/01/14 12:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Wow, Can't believe it's December already! Apparently my internet can't believe it either as it is down way more than it is up.Been trying to post this for 45 minutes. sad

Hopefully the folks will get themselves out here and fix it today. wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990976
12/01/14 01:08 PM
12/01/14 01:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
So far no repercussions from yesterdays motorhome fiasco. Wish I could learn not to jump in when something is happening. It's always been my way. I'm programmer to be a 'first responder'. I'll help anyone who needs it especially my neighbors who are lovely but naive souls. Still waiting to see if anything comes of the 'threats' from yesterday. My car tires are not slashed, whew! And all the appropriate Outdoorsies were present for breakfast.

Speaking of Outdoorsies, my old gal, the 20+ who is totally deaf and a bit demented, has not wanted her food so much. Yesterday AM she wasn't there for breakfast and she's usually the first one on the table. After a 1/2 hour search under everything and in the road, etc, she just appeared from the front yard, I thought perhaps from the neighbor's who has a cat. So after all day with Spot begging for food and hardly eating any, today, my neighbor saw her and said, I fed her yesterday. She was in my yard and she loved the food. OH! Now it makes sense. She was in his yard, he fed her something that I don't have and she was trying desperately to get MORE from me all day. Duh. Gotta find out what it was so she will eat here. Don't want her over there all the time. Not safe as the yard isn't completely fenced. Wow. My cat is wandering and begging at the neighbor's. Woe is me.


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990978
12/01/14 01:46 PM
12/01/14 01:46 PM
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer
Yankee Clipper  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Forgive me, I'm on an Amazon prime Carnivale series marathon. Should finish today. Everybody, take care of yurselves


I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #990979
12/01/14 01:48 PM
12/01/14 01:48 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Hi all.We have free internet😁😊
here.


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #991006
12/01/14 06:54 PM
12/01/14 06:54 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Wish we did. Cable guy came out and replaced some stuff and said the total opposite of what the guy that came Wednesday said. Sigh. Hopefully, it will work. wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #991008
12/01/14 07:02 PM
12/01/14 07:02 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 13,583
Palouse country
3dobermans Offline
Adept Boomer
3dobermans  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 13,583
Palouse country
Back to arctic type temps and thermostat is not wanting to work properly. Woke very early Sun. morn and temp inside was 58; this morning inside temp was 56. Just a matter or getting up and manually setting it but then it resets itself to 62 or less. Also has to take batteries which a neighbor is picking up for me in town.

Hope all are staying warm and have a great day.


Reading is to the mind, what exercise is to the body - Joseph Addison
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #991014
12/01/14 08:11 PM
12/01/14 08:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Eeek, Trippy, hope that gets fixed soon. We are in summer temps here. Windows open, fans running, a.c. will run tonight...but that will change in a week or so lol


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #991017
12/01/14 08:27 PM
12/01/14 08:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,680
kansas
my10rugrats Offline
Addicted Boomer
my10rugrats  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,680
kansas
thank you ana. didn't get in here last night to tell you. am hoping we can go down this weekend to meet him

Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #991032
12/01/14 09:49 PM
12/01/14 09:49 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: venus] #991041
12/01/14 10:36 PM
12/01/14 10:36 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good night Boomers, wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #991049
12/01/14 11:07 PM
12/01/14 11:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Sweet dreams, all sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning & Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #991052
12/01/14 11:09 PM
12/01/14 11:09 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Hi all. Just beginning to shop for my grandchildren for Xmas. How you all doing? I have a long way to go. I did manage to shop on cyber Monday.

I need to get to bed soon. I have an early shift tomorrow. See you then.

Midgie hearts sleep woot penguin


Just do it.
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