The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
~~~~~~~~~~
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own [blip] blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your father."
~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, "Mom, how did Dad die?" Her mom replied, "Heart attack." "What was he doing?" the daughter asked. Her mother said, "Well, we were having sex."
This enfuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, "You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!" The mom replied, "Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along..."
~~~~~~~~~~~
John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump.
John; "What was that?"
Driver; "It was a cat"
John; "Why did you run it over?"
Driver; "Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!"
John; "Oh, fair enough"
A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus.
John; "What was that!!?"
Driver; "It was a dog"
John; "Why did you run it over?"
Driver "I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident"
John; "That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve"
The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud.
John; "What is it this time?"
Driver; "I hit an old lady"
John; "Oh my god. Is she alright?
Driver; "No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road."
John; "I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey."
The driver called for an ambulence and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver:
"If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?"
The driver simply replied "I had to go on the curb to get her!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle
corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter
told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."
So Arthur asked God " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,
"hold on." so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in
a few words, and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours".
~~~~~~~~~~~
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Ah, it's another day, just like the other day, only with more sleep for me, hopefully.
I think I'm beginning to see a theme to these little post of mine.
Well, we begin our lives as babies who sleep all the time, wake up, eat, poop, & go back to sleep.
Then we grow up and go to work, working our way back to that time when we can sleep all the time, wake up, eat, poop, and sleep some more........without the working thing.
I'm practicing.
Perfect sleep requires perfect practice.
I haven't been getting quite enough practice.
Baby has.
I may have to get some expert training from her.
It'll be cheap expert training for sure.
I hope I don't need a clean conscience.
Have a wonderfully happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Sue. Joe happy dreams Joe. Haroula have a great day. Thanks for the coffee Sue. Wishing All a wonderful day! 
