You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.
Jay Leno (1950 - ), O Magazine, February 2003
~~~~~~~~~
Answering Service At Mental Institute"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
~~~~~~~~~~
Why Aren't You Married?Here are some comback answers: ------------------------------
You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant
~~~~~~~~
Telemarketer Torture 2004 2014What to do when your dinner is interrupted: - Ask them if they've got beer
- Start speaking in tongues
- Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number
- Tell them that you're not there right now
- Ask them if they accept coupons
- Start selling them something else
- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead
- Start preaching your religion to them
- Pretend you're a recording and say "The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
- Try to hypnotise the telemarketer
- Play a recording of a busy signal
- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice
- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white.
- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you're ever used this kind of ketchup you'll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
- Speak in ragga chant
- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says
- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.
- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her.
- Sell them on the "value of high colonics". Explain your "dedication to good health" in your most convincing, passionate voice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Friday morning everyboomie.
Where does the time go?
My day off passed in the blink of an eye.
I have to be back at the asylum by 5:00 this morning.
Ho Ho Hum
That's just insane, don't you agree?
Anyway before my
'hammer in a pill' hits me in the head, I wanted to came bye and tuck you all in, and wish you happy dreams.
AND...........Have a happy day too.
happy happy
joe
acebook
witter
Ana so sorry to hear about Merlin Hugs for you! 
I'll put the coffee on and keep it hot and fresh! A great Friday wished for all 
Have an easy peasy day!
