Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
~~~~~~~~~~
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen
many books on the subject, and finally, after
getting all the necessary "tools" together,
she made for the nearest frozen body of water.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she
started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cut
yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to
the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool,
and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward,
and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No...this is the manager
of the hockey rink..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil
and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench
and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident and as Jeff
arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where's my friend Mike?"...Jeff asks the old Saint.
St. Peter replies..."Mike wasn't as fortunate as you,
instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction."
Jeff was deeply concerned by this and asks... "well
could I see Mike just one more time?"
St. Peter agreed to this, so they walked over to the
edge of Heaven and looked down.
Jeff notices Mike with a sexy blonde on one side of
him and a keg of beer on the other.
"I really don't mean to complain"...Jeff says... "but
Mike seems to have it pretty nice down in Hell."
"Look a little closer"...says St. Peter..."for that keg
has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and exposed himself. He said, Boy, either you jump out of that door, or you and i are going to have some wild time".
"So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch [blip]."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
We are having stormy weather here and I'm afraid I'll lose my internet at any moment.
I'm gonna wish you all a super Saturday and go ahead and post.
I'm really really tired anyway.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Saturday. Danish, BB Pancakes, and Omelets in the NC. 
Have an easy peasy day!
