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#993768 - Yesterday at 10:10 PM Thump Day
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30150
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson (1925 - 2005)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the
Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."
~~~~~~~~

A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas
gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long,
after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a
fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself.

While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.

The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note:


I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
Showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love.

(P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heaven is when you have:

* An American salary.

* A british home.

* Chinese food.

* A Swiss economy.

* An Italian body.

* A Japanese technology.

* An African tool.

* An Indian wife.

Hell is when you have:

* An American wife.

* A british body.

* A chinese tool.

* Swiss food.

* An Italian technology.

* A Japanese home.

* An african economy.

* An Indian salary.
~~~~~~~~~~


Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's
been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper
him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues:

"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just messing with you. He's dead."
~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


Only 7 more shopping days until Christmas. santadance


You know, it really just doesn't seem like Christmas to me. duh12


It's been a relatively warm Winter so far, and I'm a Bah Humbug type anyway. razz12


You get that way after so many years in retail.......if you're me. grinch


If you're not me you might enjoy it a little more. grin12


I'll enjoy today though because it's employee appreciation day, and were having steaks for lunch. woot


They never did that before. bravo12 Ho Ho Ho.


Have a happy day everyone.



joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#993771 - Yesterday at 10:29 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65755
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
WooHoo for steaks, Joe! Enjoy your lunch! I can only imagine how retail and the holidays can make you go bah humbug!

Have a great day all!

Ana happydance12
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#993790 - Today at 01:10 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8101
Loc: Greece
Good morning,have a happy day all! santadance presents12
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#993800 - Today at 04:05 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5673
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
I'm off for another work whoosh. wave12 Have a great Thursday, everyone. tree

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#993804 - Today at 04:08 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17608
Loc: Marlborough USA
tree Good Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula, venus and all coming to Joe's. Coffee is ready. Wishing everyone a great day! tree
_________________________
Gerry

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#993811 - Today at 04:25 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: Kaki's Sister]
Drmojo Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 1838
Loc: Washington In the Wet corner
Hey ya Boom Boom buddies santa grin12



HI Joe, Ana, Haroula, Venus & Gerry santa
and everybody else coming in wave12

I got GREAT news!! Went to Doctors(thats not the good news) Had a test done on my Kidneys, my Creatine
level went from 3.8 to 2.2!!!!!! that means I
don't have to have Dialysis yet!! woot santadance happydance12 MERRY CHRISTMAS to me!! rotfl12 bravo12 yay12 tree Karen grin12 tree
_________________________

Peace be with you Brother~

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#993827 - Today at 07:26 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8196
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Karen, that's Wonderful news. happydance12 To all here and all who follow, have a Super Thump day. Danish, Waffles, and BB Pancakes in the NC. tree reindeer
_________________________
Connie

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#993857 - Today at 09:22 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13802
Loc: northern Wisconsin
WOOHOO Karen!!! He works in mysterious ways!!!! Merry Christmas!!

Well I am off in a few for a busy day with a doc appointment this morning then off to pick up friends and take them to get a Christmas basket from the Salvation Army then off to a Christmas luncheon and finally to a different doc appointment. Think I may just collaspe after that. lol12

May you all have a very lovely day!!

wave12
Nan

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#993866 - Today at 10:00 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: auntiegram]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9479
Loc: Southern California
wave12 Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Enjoy your steak lunch and have a wonderful Thump Day!

Karen, wonderful news! hearts

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Almost Friday...... woot

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#993868 - Today at 10:05 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42635
Loc: Alabama
WooHoo, Doc, that is awesome news happydance12

Joe, enjoy your lunch reindeer

Nan, your day sounds exhausting. I hope you enjoy it! puppy
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#993876 - Today at 10:37 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65755
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! I have an extremely full day today, as soon as I get showered I'm off to do my EKG and then off to PT and then off to the lab for bloodwork. Sometime after that I need to finish and turn in my project. lol12

Karen, I am jumping up and down with joy for you!!! hearts

Have a great day everyone!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#993894 - Today at 11:38 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42635
Loc: Alabama
Ana, hope it all goes well reindeer
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#993897 - Today at 11:43 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7412
Loc: San Diego, CA
Great news Karen! penguin

Had fun yesterday. Our friend (the caretaker guy from the empty house saga) was due here at 9:00am to load about 10 small bags/boxes of household hazardous waste and take it in his pickup truck to the disposal place. I worked on making sure he would definitely be here and be on time. Talked to him every day for a week. He has some mental problems from birth that necessitate 'repeating' things for him. Soooo, the night before, he calls. Oh oh. Wants to know if it's OK to come at 9:30 instead of 9:00? Sigh. OK I agree. He mentions stopping for gas, etc. We are PAYING him for the gas and time so I figure this will be a good deal for him. 20 bucks and a few extra benefits (hard hat/tie down straps/car parts) would be great for 1 hour total work.

So the morning comes. I drag my 5 little bags over (not big but HEAVY) with bottles of antifreeze, paint cans, all sorts of car oil and stuff. It's 9:00 am and I get that 'feeling'. I tell my neighbor lady that I don't think this is going well, and she and I bag her stuff and drag it to the curb. This will save HIM time and effort. I go home and call him. No answer, phone goes directly to answering service. Hummmm.

At 9:30 I go back and tell neighbor that if he isn't here by 10:30 WE are going to somehow pack all that stuff in my hatch back car and WE are going to drive and find the dump facility and be done with it. So at 10:25 he's still not called back and isn't here. WE pack my car (put down a nice tarp) strain a few muscles each, and off we go. Only glitch was when we turned into the City Schools BUS depot. Yikes! Turned around went up the road a bit and Voila! found the place. They were very organized. A single line drive, lots of helpers, all sorts of 'separate' areas for stuff. I managed to panic them by getting out of my car. Guess WE who have just handled all this 'toxic' stuff, can't be outside the car? Anyway, they made me move back behind a gate. I had to get out, couldn't sit because the 'strained muscles' were starting to cramp.

So the guys unloaded, smiled, said this is the BIGGEST load of stuff they have ever seen in one car. Strange. Wow. Guess 30 years of stuff was more than they ever see? Then friend/neighbor gal and I take off for sandwiches. She bought mine and gave me (against my protests) 10 bucks for helping her. Can't argue with her, found that out long ago. Take and say thanks and all is well. WE were going to pay the guy 10 bucks each anyway, so I saved 10, got 10 more, and a free sandwich to boot. Pretty good.

We drive home, and guess who is sitting out front with his truck? Yup, our 'almost' worker. He's got a great story, which pretty much matches what my neighbor and I had said he would say. Up late, got a call from mom (in hospital) early, laid back down, fell asleep, just woke up, etc. We knew it might happen. We didn't chastise him at all, and in fact neighbor gave him a box of new oil filters that she kept just in case he could use them. He drives OLD cars and trucks and somehow keeps them running. 50's stuff or earlier.

So we were happy our yukky stuff was gone, he was happy (after we soothed him), and we probably will not enlist his aid again, now that we know he can't keep schedules or appointments. Nice guy, in his 50's, caring, honest, but just the mental capacity holds him back. Just glad this is all over. Worked out for everyone. Fun day.

Hope today is less stressful. Need a little peace and quiet, but then I'm planning on shopping at Costco so I guess that idea is silly. insane
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#993898 - Today at 11:48 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2159
Loc: Lexington, Texas
Wow Karen that's good news and how!!!! Now you enjoy your Christmas time -do you buy your pets gifts? Amazon has those yeowwee catnip things that mine like. Hugs for joy.

Today is going to be one top notch fire cracker day -I slept in till 9- Ah, the freedom of retirement. One blessing of growing old. It gave a feeling of power and was Devine Decadence and the 1st G'Boomer who identifies the play/musical/movie this phrase comes from will be the winner.

Hair cut day so I won't look so shaggy for Christmas. Also a warm day...good. Maybe even a lentil soup day. Next grocery day I'll be picking up almonds, walnuts etc to make energy bars, the recipe sounds so good.

Well, happy day befor Friday all
_________________________
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

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#993922 - Today at 01:51 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11422
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Hi there everyone. Woke up to snow but we didn't get very much. Temps in the 30's.

Not been doing much this week. I did clean the doors on my kitchen cabinets and now they shine. Have taken the dogs for walks, weather permitting. We had some days that were pretty nasty here, misty, rainy, cloudy, yucky.

We will be going over to Carol and Dave's on Sat. night. Speaking of Carol, her last test showed her in remission. So for the next year she will be on 3 maintenance doses of medication. happydance12

Christmas eve, we will be busy. Going over to Vince's parents for a little while in the afternoon, then have been invited over to a friends house for dinner. Tuesday night, Vince will be over for dinner and will give him his gift then. Christmas day is busy also.

Everyone have a great day. santadance

Bets
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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