“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” -- George Carlin


“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” -- Johnny Carson


“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.” -- Jay Leno


“That's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.” -- Jerry Seinfeld


“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” -- Shirley Temple


“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it, saying, 'Toys not included.'” -- Bernard Manning
~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection.” -- Winston Churchill


“Christmas is not a time nor a season but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” -- Calvin Coolidge


“Don't let the past steal your present. This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.” -- Taylor Caldwell


“It's true, Christmas can feel like a lot of work, particularly for mothers. But when you look back on all the Christmases in your life, you'll find you've created family traditions and lasting memories. Those memories, good and bad, are really what help to keep a family together over the long haul.” -- Caroline Kennedy


“Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” -- Washington Irving
~~~~~~~~~~

Sean: Knock, knock.
Fawn: Who’s there?
Sean: Murray.
Fawn: Murray who?
Sean: Murray Christmas, one and all!
~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What did the cow say on Christmas morning?
A. Mooooey Christmas!

Q. What never eats at Christmas time?
A. The turkey - it's usually STUFFED!

Q. Why couldn't the Christmas tree stand up?
A. A Christmas tree does not have legs like we do!

Q. What is the most special part of your body at Christmas?
A. MistleTOE!

Q. What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Q. What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A. Jungle bells, jungle bells!

Q. What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
A. Sandy claws!

Q. What is green, white, and red all over?
A. A sunburnt elf!

Q. What rains at the north pole?
A. Reindeer!

Q. Which of Santas reindeer has bad manners?
A. Rude-olph!
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the cracker's Christmas party?
It went with a bang!

How do you make idiots laugh on boxing day?
Tell them a joke on Christmas Eve!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even!

If athletes get athletes foot, what do rocket scientists get?
Missile-toe!

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!

How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?
Only one, after that it's not empty any more!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitus!


What often falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
Snow!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you can't beat it!
~~~~~~~~

What carol is heard in the dessert?
Camel ye fathful!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells, jungle bells!

What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
Sandy claws!

What is Santa's dog called?
Santa Paws!

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple!


What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
Neither, candles always burn shorter!

Why are turkeys wiser than chickens?
Ever heard of Kentucky Fried Turkey?

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
He got 12 months!

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop needles!
~~~~~~~~~~~

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

What did the big angel say to the little angel?
Halo there!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
Santa Clues!


What do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

How does a snowman lose weight?
He waits for the weather to get warmer!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted flakes!

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrot?

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ho Ho Ho


Merry Christmas everyboomie.


I hope that after you rise and open your presents, and have your breakfast, and drink your coffee, and read all of these terrible Christmas jokes, you'll have a wonderful day with your families.


It'll be a relaxing day for me.....................for the most part.


My phone says it's Christmas Day all day, so I don't have to keep looking at it to see what day it is now.


My head says it's Christmas Eve right now, and all night, and I am really tired, because Christmas Eve started at 3:30 this morning, and I'm getting a headache from hearing the same kid sing "These Are a Few of My Favorite Things" during every commercial, so Merry Christmas to all, and I bid you all a good night.


Sleep in heavenly peace.



joe

I hope you all spend the day in peace with your loved ones.

Joe and to Everyone !

Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All Men!

Merry Christmas Joe, SpaceQ, MaG and all.

Ana

to all

Joe,Space,Ana,Haroula I'll get the coffee going! Gerry hope you have a nice Christmas It's 55 degrees here but I'll take it over Snow anyday Wishing everyone a Peaceful Day

I do not often post on this thread, but I am a frequent lurker. Have a fantastic Festive Season one and all, whatever your creed or persuasion!

Joe, the coffee is good (or do I have Sue to thank for that?) and I'm having mince pies with mine. The seasonal jokes and quotes are also acceptable fare, and here is a cracker joke which amused me:

Who is the bane of Santa's life? - The elf and safety officer!

Merry Christmas Joe, SpaceQ, Mag, Ana, Haroula, Sue, Lex and All the GB Community!

Thanks for the coffee Sue. Enjoy your Christmas too.

Wishing everyone a warm, cozy and comfortable Christmas Day!

to all my Diner family. May your day be Special and Blessed. Danish, Bacon and Eggs and Christmas Cookies in the NC. Joe,Thanks for always opening the Diner and being here for us.

everyone! Hope everyone has a terrific holiday!

everyone. I hope you all get to spend today with your families. Oh, and it's pouring out there.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

Midgie

and to all my fellow boomers and their families

I would like to wish each and every one of you a very Merry and Blessed Christmas!!!! May you all have a lovely day!!

I agree with you Midge......Happy Birthday Jesus!!!! Since He IS the reason for the Season!!!!


Nan

Connie HUGS!!!!!!!

Good morning and Merry Christmas everyone.


It's bright and breezy here this morning, and just a bit nippy.


It is supposed to warm up though, to the mid 50s.


I have been sipping and surfing, and watching Dr Who reruns, and enjoying a very lazy morning.


Baby is being impatient. She wants to go. She doesn't care where, she just wants to go.


I hope you all have a super day.


I loved the joke Lex. Thanks!!



joe

everyone.

I woke up to 23 degrees and 3 deer going across my property! It definitely feels like Christmas.

ya'll

Skywalker has just informed me it is time for breakfast. I looked at him and said "Go tell daddy." He promptly raced over to Soot and started a full body wiggle

We've had a nice, quiet morning. Boys will be here soon and we will commence with the traditional reading of the Nativity, followed by presents and Christmas casserole, followed by an afternoon of playing, followed by a family watching of "Scrooged" followed by me collapsing into bed with a book.

We've had nice phone visits with middle son and Mil. Hoping daughter will call, but there is that pesky time difference and not sure she has time on her phone card.

Some cooler weather has found us, though it's still pretty warm out there.

Joe, thanks for the all the jokes. I'm going to share them with the Per and the Cully who will love them.

Marian, sounds like you woke up to a perfect day.

Thanks for all the wonderful Christmas wishes and hoping you all are having a wonderful day

Well the grinch that stole Christmas hit my son and his SO last night and broke into his car. I guess someone didn't have anything better to do on Christmas morning. This is a couple days after it got towed for being parked in an area that was legal and it costs him a couple hundred to get it out of impound. I wish I'd win the lottery so I could help out my kids when life keeps insisting on knocking them down.

Oh, Ana, that is awful. I hope there was nothing in the car to take.

12 Days of Christmas (in the Joe's Diner


On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me
JOE in the diner tree making jokes daily Thankfully!


On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me
2 L4L & Soots in the diner helping Thankfully


On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me
3 Connie's calling more coffeeeeee....

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
4 Midge's being kind to meeee.....


On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me

5 GOLENNNNNN ANA"S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


on the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
6 Gerry's smiling happilyyyyy

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
7 Space quest saying Boomer are all so nice to meeeee....

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
8 Sorta saying my neighbors are all crzyyyyy.....

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
9 Venus going to work hurriedlyyyyyyy.......

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me a very nice Yankeeeeee.......

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
11 Nan's saying God Bless meeeeeee,,,,,

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to meee
12 Gail's my Best friend everrrrrr,,,,,,,



Karen

THat was awesome Karen!! Loved it!

L4L, they stole enough.

Ana

Ana, I'm so sorry they had nothing better to do . I don't think anyone has been nice to them. Karen thank you for that. L4L God Bless your daughter.
I hope you're all having a great Christmas.

Midgie I love these guys.

Midgie

I'm going to find my pillow now. This ole body is running on fumes. See you tomorrow. I have an early shift in the morning. Sleep well all. I hope your Christmas was wonderful. I tried calling my other sister tonight to wish her a Merry Christmas but I had no luck. i'll try tomorrow. Night all.

Midgie

Awww Karen, what a nice new 12 Days of Christmas! Thanks for the fun.

People breaking into cars or houses or taking anything NOT theirs really gets to me. As one of my former students at the continuation school said to me when I asked him WHY he took stuff from a guy's house: "Hey, he had all that good stuff and I didn't. I figure he wouldn't miss it and besides, he will just buy more with the insurance money". Great thinking. My only joy in that one was that the GUY caught him in the act and BROKE the stupid kid's arm. Yup. Kid was clueless about why the guy broke his arm. Duh.

Raccoon! I think Mom raccoon has abandoned her crew. 2 are still around, eating everything in sight on the feeding table and making a mess of it in the process. Mom was very neat, kids are horrible, scattering things all over. AND I'm pretty sure that my aged missing cat was indeed taken by the raccoons. A week after her disappearance I smelled 'dead' near a storm drain across the corner. My neighbor on that street mentioned her son had seen raccoons going DOWN the storm drain. I thought that was impossible since it goes down about 8 feet, BUT today, I watched the one rac who has been over here most of the day (in broad daylight which is not good) and he ambled across the road, and then climbed DOWN the storm drain easily. Yup, he must be living in there somehow and took my poor kitty down with him. Sigh. At least I am pretty sure where she ended up. Hate raccoons in the daylight. Not good. Means they are VERY hungry. I'm going to try to save the rest of the feral population by putting out some extra dry food tonight. Might be a good plan.

Night guys, sweet dreams!

Sweet dreams everyone!