“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” -- George Carlin
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” -- Johnny Carson
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.” -- Jay Leno
“That's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.” -- Jerry Seinfeld
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” -- Shirley Temple
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it, saying, 'Toys not included.'” -- Bernard Manning
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“Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection.” -- Winston Churchill
“Christmas is not a time nor a season but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” -- Calvin Coolidge
“Don't let the past steal your present. This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.” -- Taylor Caldwell
“It's true, Christmas can feel like a lot of work, particularly for mothers. But when you look back on all the Christmases in your life, you'll find you've created family traditions and lasting memories. Those memories, good and bad, are really what help to keep a family together over the long haul.” -- Caroline Kennedy
“Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” -- Washington Irving
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Sean: Knock, knock.
Fawn: Who’s there?
Sean: Murray.
Fawn: Murray who?
Sean: Murray Christmas, one and all!
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Q. What did the cow say on Christmas morning?
A. Mooooey Christmas!
Q. What never eats at Christmas time?
A. The turkey - it's usually STUFFED!
Q. Why couldn't the Christmas tree stand up?
A. A Christmas tree does not have legs like we do!
Q. What is the most special part of your body at Christmas?
A. MistleTOE!
Q. What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
A. Santa walking backwards!
Q. What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A. Jungle bells, jungle bells!
Q. What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
A. Sandy claws!
Q. What is green, white, and red all over?
A. A sunburnt elf!
Q. What rains at the north pole?
A. Reindeer!
Q. Which of Santas reindeer has bad manners?
A. Rude-olph!
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Did you hear about the cracker's Christmas party?
It went with a bang!
How do you make idiots laugh on boxing day?
Tell them a joke on Christmas Eve!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even!
If athletes get athletes foot, what do rocket scientists get?
Missile-toe!
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?
Only one, after that it's not empty any more!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitus!
What often falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
Snow!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you can't beat it!
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What carol is heard in the dessert?
Camel ye fathful!
What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells, jungle bells!
What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
Sandy claws!
What is Santa's dog called?
Santa Paws!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple!
What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
Neither, candles always burn shorter!
Why are turkeys wiser than chickens?
Ever heard of Kentucky Fried Turkey?
What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
He got 12 months!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop needles!
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What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
What did the big angel say to the little angel?
Halo there!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
How does a snowman lose weight?
He waits for the weather to get warmer!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted flakes!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrot?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
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Ho Ho Ho
Merry Christmas everyboomie.
I hope that after you rise and open your presents, and have your breakfast, and drink your coffee, and read all of these terrible Christmas jokes, you'll have a wonderful day with your families.
It'll be a relaxing day for me.....................for the most part.
My phone says it's Christmas Day all day, so I don't have to keep looking at it to see what day it is now.
My head says it's Christmas Eve right now, and all night, and I am really tired, because Christmas Eve started at 3:30 this morning, and I'm getting a headache from hearing the same kid sing "These Are a Few of My Favorite Things" during every commercial, so Merry Christmas to all, and I bid you all a good night.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
joe