We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.
Marie Beyon Ray
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nellie, shopping at her local supermarket, selects a
quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and a
quart of orange juice.
A drunk standing behind her, watches as she places
the items in front of the cashier.
He says to her..."you must be single."
The woman, startled but intrigued by the derelict's
intuition, looked at her four items on the belt.
Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her items,
she says..."well, you're correct, but how on earth did
you know that?"
The drunk staggers as he puts his beer in front of the
same cashier and says..."cause you're ugly!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With Sam dying, his wife Carol was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand praying and crying, this roused him
from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips said..."my darling Carol."
"Hush, my love"...she said... "rest, don't talk."
In his tired voice..."I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess"...replied the weeping Carol...
"everything is all right, just go to sleep."
"No"...he struggles..."I must die in peace, I have something to
tell you Carol...I cheated on you!"
"I know"...Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead...
"just let the poison do it's job."
~~~~~~~~~~
In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking old lady.
After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
1) The blonde thought - "That American son of a ----- wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the old lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
2) The old lady thought - "That dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
3) The American thought - "That Canadian put his hands on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
4) The Canadain thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the first day God created the cow...
God said, "you must go to field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live
for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back
the other forty" and God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog...
God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "that's too long to be barking...
give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey...
God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh...
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
the monkey said, "how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too."
And God agreed again.
Now on the fourth day, God created man...
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing,
just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what,
I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back...
the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back...
that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God... "you've got a deal!"
So this is why for...
the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing...
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family...
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren...
the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody...
life has now been explained.
~~~~~~~~~~
Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be,
This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red,
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife,
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run,
And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son,
My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild,
And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw,
As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Howard is the senior senior member of the nursing home and at the age of 94 still gets around pretty good. One of his favorite places to go is the garden where he can sit in seclusion and ponder his life's accomplishments.
One day another member of the home named Annebel walks in and the two begin to talk. Soon the conversation turns to sex and Howard says "that's what I miss most of all." The woman looks at the frail Howard and says "you old coot...what makes you think you can still get it up?" "I suppose you're right" says Howard "but at least it would be nice if someone would just hold it." The old woman saw no harm in this and agreed to "hold it" and this activity went on everyday for a couple of weeks.
One day Annebel went into the garden to be with Howard and he was nowhere to be found. She was told he was last seen in room 905 so off she went. Annebel arrives at room 905 and is shocked to find Howard with another nursing home member named Mabel. They are sitting together and Mabel is "holding it", Annebel instantly becomes irate and shouts "Howard, how could you do this to me, what does she have that I don't have?"...Howard just smiles and says "Parkinsons".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps...
He whispers...
"Iron this, and get me something to eat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I hope everyone is doing great this new day.
The 'holiday' is over, and now my two vacation days start, followed by my day off on Sunday.
I may get tired of being off.
That's gonna be ok I guess. If I get tired of being off on Friday, then Saturday I'll be retired.
Speaking of tired, I'm pretty darned tired now, come to think of it.
I guess I'll pack it in and move to the bedroom, put on something more comfortable, and get horizontal.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Thanks for sharing! 
Maybe one day!
