Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Yogi Berra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bumper Sticker Sayings 1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
2. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You! Off my planet!
8. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
9. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
12. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
13. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
16. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
17. Adults are just kids who owe money.
18. You say I'm a [blip] like it's a bad thing.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
21. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
22. You look like s--t. Is that the style now?
23. Earth is full. Go home.
24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
26. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
27. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
28. You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery''
29. I've seen better looking butts in an ash tray.
30. You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Perfect Employee? 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.
"Hi, John."
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John, there's good news and bad news."
"Okay. What's the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject....Health Food
With today's adults looking for a healthier lifestyle,
food and stress are very important to them.
We will look first at what food can be added to our
diet that will help relieve stress.
The food in question, is chocolate. This overlooked
food is considered unhealthy, but let's take a look.
Chocolate is made from sugar and cocoa beans with
the bean known as a vegetable.
Sugar is derived mainly from sugar cane, this would
also be in the vegetable category, thus classifying all
chocolate as a vegetable.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, and as you well know,
you are encouraged to eat as much fruit as you want!
To take this one step further, milk chocolate contains
milk, which is dairy, therefore, chocolate, in any form,
should be considered a health food.
so remember...STRESSED spelled backward is.............
(scroll down)
.
.
Whoa not that far down!!!
DESSERTS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disgusted by what he has seen on earth, God decides to destroy it and start over.
He orders one of His angels to appear at the offices of four of America's leading
newspapers, the Wall Street Journal, the SF Chronical, the Washington Post and
the New York Times, in order to give them the scoop that He intends to destroy
the world in 2 days time.
The next morning, the following headlines appear:
Wall Street Journal: GOD TO DESTROY THE WORLD TOMORROW!! MARKETS WILL CLOSE EARLY!
SF Chronicle: GOD TO END WORLD TOMORROW!! ANTI-RELIGIOUS PROTESTS PLANNED. ACLU TO SUE GOD!!
Washington Post: END OF THE WORLD IS AT HAND, GOD SAYS!! SEE ARTICLE ON PAGE 12-B.
New York Times: GOD VOWS DESTRUCTION OF THE EARTH!! WOMEN, CHILDREN AND MINORITIES TO BE HARDEST HIT!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back
there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to
the China man that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.
Finally fed up the China man responded with his own note that said, "Use
more paper on butt."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.
"That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to
Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came
up to the driver and said "I've been molested!"
The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to
go sit back down.
10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed
SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of
wackos - who'd molest them?
10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested
too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest
stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees
in the aisle.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?"
"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I
grabbed it, it ran away..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Good morning everyboomie.
I have GOT to start scheduling my vacation days when it's a little nicer outside. Yesterday wasn't real cold, but it was cool, and it wasn't real rainy, but it was wet. In short it was nice, but not real good for doing anything outdoors.
I didn't stay in bed all day, but I spent most of it on my back side, instead of doing anything constructive.
I really didn't have anything to build anyway.
I finished building my poor reputation some time ago, and it was about 6 months ago I put the finishing touches on my over-sized ego.
Ergo.....not much to do.
Today though I'm thinking about plucking Pepper's feathers out to make a thicker pillow to sit on.
I hope you all have a happy day, and remember, an idle mind is the devils playground.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula and Karen. Joe I wish you a sunny day! 
I just got home from work! 
Then I'll see what else I can get into. 
Have an easy peasy day!
And I'm really glad I wasn't working all night. 
