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#995238 - Yesterday at 11:34 PM Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30172
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.
Mahatma Gandhi
~~~~~~~~~~~~


It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motorist
for speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing around
his head, annoying him considerably.

"Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?" says the motorist.

"Yeah," says the patrolman, "if that's what these are, you're sure
right. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?"

"Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly that
are particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circle
around a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies."

The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, "You don't say. Well,
that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying to
call me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implication
about an officer of the law, would you?"

"Oh, no sir!" responds the motorist. "No, sir, not at all. I have the
utmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream of
implying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly
sorry if that's how it sounded."

"Yeah, I didn't think so," replied the patrolman.

"Yeah," the motorist continued, "but there's just no fooling those
circle flies, is there?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just messed my pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, " Once my people were many, now we are few.", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, "Once my people were few, now we are many.", the Cowboy replied , "Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet."
~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three men are involved in a car crash on December 24th and arrive at the pearly gates where they are met by Saint Peter who tells them that because it is Christmas eve they must go back to the car and find something related to Christmas and give it to him in order to enter heaven.

The first man goes back, looks under the front seat, finds a Christmas card and rushes back to Saint Peter and is promply let in. The second man looks in the trunk and finds some miseltoe and rushes back to Saint Peter and is also let in.

The third man was having no luck finding anything in the car and starts to panic knowing that he will never enter heaven if he dosen't come up with something associated with Christmas. He had about given up when he looks into the glove compartment where he finds a pair of sexy underpants...it is almost midnight, so he figures he has nothing to lose and quickly sprints off.

He runs up to golden gates and hands the panties to Saint Peter...the perplexed saint holds them gingerly between finger and thumb and says "what do these have to do with Christmas ?" the man sheepishly says "they're Carols?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.

When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted.

"What for?" asked his grandpa.

"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."
Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"

Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "why not?"

Woman: "I Stole this car and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"
woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Senior Officer: "one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: "Murdered the owner!"

Senior Officer: "yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am"?
Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.

Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Betcha the lyin' S.O.B. told you I was speeding too didn't he?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool???? We don't have......

"click"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


I'm so glad Sunday is finally here.


It's really nice to finally have a relaxing, do nothing day. lol12


Actually, everything I've put off for the last 3 days, has to be done today, either before, or after the game. slapforehead


That means, basically, some laundry, and some dishes, and vacuuming, scrubbing the bathrooms, running new sewer lines, and re-roofing the house. taz


I think I'll knock it out before the game. After the game's over I'll probably want to go to bed.........at 3:00. grin12


Whenever I put this little red and white cap on, I start getting sleepy. sleep12


I like doing my house work in my cheerleaders outfit. rah Rah Rah Roes, wash the dirty clothes, Rah Rah More, clean the dirty floor. rah


Have a happy day everyone.



joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (Yesterday at 11:36 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#995247 - Today at 01:49 AM Re: Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5700
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hope you're able to fit some relaxing time in today, Joe!

It's late Saturday night for me, and I'm off to sleep. I have a day off tomorrow, and I think I'll use at least part of it to practice singing/start getting my voice back into shape, as it needs it. smile12 And maybe I'll try to fit some gaming in as well. grin12

Hope everyone has a terrific Sunday. tree

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#995248 - Today at 02:26 AM Re: Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8141
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,venus and all who come in later. santa
Have all a relaxing Sunday. holidays
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#995256 - Today at 05:03 AM Re: Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17657
Loc: Marlborough USA
tree Good Morning Joe, venus and Haroula. Coffee is on. Wishing All a peaceful happy day! tree
_________________________
Gerry

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#995258 - Today at 06:19 AM Re: Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8210
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Breakfast out and a Costco trip today. Ana, I hope your headache is gone today. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Sunday. Danish, Eggs, Bacon, Sausage, Hash Browns, Toast, and BB Pancakes in the NC. tree reindeer
_________________________
Connie

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#995275 - Today at 10:32 AM Re: Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65845
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good Morning all! I'm off to breakfast with hubby to meet Sam and family. :yay:

Catch you all later! Have an awesome day!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#995277 - Today at 10:42 AM Re: Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13818
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe you must work best under pressure of a deadline. lol12 Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day!

venus enjoy your day off! Practice, practice, practice!!! Have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee as it hits the spot this morning, cold but the sun is shinning......finally!! Have a lovely day!

Connie enjoy your breakfast out and happy shopping!!! Thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!

Ana enjoy breakfast out and the time with family! Hope that your head feels better this morning and you have a lovely day!

wave12
Nan

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#995278 - Today at 10:43 AM Re: Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9737
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Good morning Boomers. wave12
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#995279 - Today at 11:13 AM Re: Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2173
Loc: Lexington, Texas
Joe, how's your kitty cat doing? Quite well I hope

Today is a terrible weather day. That arctic front is here and we have dark overcast skys and cold and rain. Oh for 95 degree summer days. They are comming soon -hope.

Kits want to go outside but don't like cold, wet feet so they prefer to sit on a kitchen counter and look out the window and dream dream dream.

Breakfast this morning is a salad with 1 hard boiled egg and Marie's blue cheese dressing -pretty good.

Might play some Skyrim until my new games arrive. Skyrim sure reflects our current weather.

Enjoy Sunday all
_________________________
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

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#995281 - Today at 11:17 AM Re: Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7437
Loc: San Diego, CA
Here's a mystery for everyone who has a Costco nearby. WHAT do they do with all the Christmas stuff that mysteriously disappears the day after Christmas? No sales, no bits and pieces of leftovers. Everything is totally gone as if it never was. I'm amazed. It's like Santa's elves come in overnight and sweep the place clean. In its place, nothing but SuperBowl stuff. Chips, barbeques, chairs,bags of popcorn, etc. Interesting. Maybe they donate it all to a charity? Or maybe it gets trucked to Mexico (only 5 miles away) for the orphanages? Lots of businesses here donate tons of stuff to the orphanages down there. Any guesses?

AND in other news, it's STILL COLD here! Fingers so frozen I can hardly type. Of course if I didn't mind the jump in gas for my heat, I'd turn on the heater sooner, but wow, it's so cold. Burrrrr! And since I know you all are wondering, NO I didn't break my routine and put on REAL shoes and socks. I'm still wearing my sandals. Silly me.
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#995291 - Today at 12:07 PM Re: Spectacular Sud Sipping Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42670
Loc: Alabama
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Sunday ya'll puppy

I did my normal "get up and piddle clean" for a couple of hours this morning. Then fed us all and now sitting and sipping for a bit, afterwhich I'll tackle the bedroom. It was my original goal for cleaning but got sidetracked by the kitchen, which looks very nice now. If only the cleaning fairies would keep it that way. Silly fairies

I can stream from Roku and clean in the bedroom til my back gives out. Then I'll read. Tried yesterday but kept falling asleep after 2 sentences. Finally gave up and went to bed so when I fell asleep and dropped my Kindle, it would hit the bed and not the floor. rotfl12

Soot and the gang arrived safely in NE. Son is sick <sad face>, but the trip went well.

Sorta, I'm with you. Shorts and t-shirts and barefoot 99% of the time. When I get cold, I put on my fuzzy housecoat...easy to schuck when the hot flashes hit.
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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