What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.
It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motorist
for speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing around
his head, annoying him considerably.
"Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?" says the motorist.
"Yeah," says the patrolman, "if that's what these are, you're sure
right. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?"
"Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly that
are particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circle
around a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies."
The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, "You don't say. Well,
that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying to
call me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implication
about an officer of the law, would you?"
"Oh, no sir!" responds the motorist. "No, sir, not at all. I have the
utmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream of
implying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly
sorry if that's how it sounded."
"Yeah, I didn't think so," replied the patrolman.
"Yeah," the motorist continued, "but there's just no fooling those
circle flies, is there?"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just messed my pants."
One day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, " Once my people were many, now we are few.", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, "Once my people were few, now we are many.", the Cowboy replied , "Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet."
Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.
Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).
Three men are involved in a car crash on December 24th and arrive at the pearly gates where they are met by Saint Peter who tells them that because it is Christmas eve they must go back to the car and find something related to Christmas and give it to him in order to enter heaven.
The first man goes back, looks under the front seat, finds a Christmas card and rushes back to Saint Peter and is promply let in. The second man looks in the trunk and finds some miseltoe and rushes back to Saint Peter and is also let in.
The third man was having no luck finding anything in the car and starts to panic knowing that he will never enter heaven if he dosen't come up with something associated with Christmas. He had about given up when he looks into the glove compartment where he finds a pair of sexy underpants...it is almost midnight, so he figures he has nothing to lose and quickly sprints off.
He runs up to golden gates and hands the panties to Saint Peter...the perplexed saint holds them gingerly between finger and thumb and says "what do these have to do with Christmas ?" the man sheepishly says "they're Carols?"
A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.
When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted.
"What for?" asked his grandpa.
"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"
Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."
Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "why not?"
Woman: "I Stole this car and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"
woman: "Is there a problem officer?"
Senior Officer: "one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: "Murdered the owner!"
Senior Officer: "yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.
The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am"?
Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.
Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Betcha the lyin' S.O.B. told you I was speeding too didn't he?"
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool???? We don't have......
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm so glad Sunday is finally here.
It's really nice to finally have a relaxing, do nothing day.
Actually, everything I've put off for the last 3 days, has to be done today, either before, or after the game.
That means, basically, some laundry, and some dishes, and vacuuming, scrubbing the bathrooms, running new sewer lines, and re-roofing the house.
I think I'll knock it out before the game. After the game's over I'll probably want to go to bed.........at 3:00.
Whenever I put this little red and white cap on, I start getting sleepy.
I like doing my house work in my cheerleaders outfit.
Rah Rah Roes, wash the dirty clothes, Rah Rah More, clean the dirty floor.
Have a happy day everyone.