I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Typewriters??
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An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
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Chinese Wisdom, translated:-) Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.?
Man who run behind car get exhausted.?
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.?
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.?
Man with one chopstick go hungry.?
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.?
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.?
War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.?
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.?
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.?
It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.?
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.?
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.?
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Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What Dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
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It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.
In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.
After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" The grooms young brother said, "Mommy, I think -- " "Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.
At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.
At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think -- " "Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead."
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This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: THIS is a LIGHTHOUSE . . . Your call.
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1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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Good morning everyboomie.
One down, and 3 to go, and then it's actually 10 days off after that.
I've decided to go to Vegas...............someday after I win the lottery.
Uhuh
I saw somewhere that one guy lost like 10 billion dollars at Vegas.
Yes I said 'billion'.
I know how this sounds, but I think he should be shot by summary firing squad, and whatever money he had left distributed among the poor...........starting in Calera Oklahoma.
I have casinos across the highway from me and never go to them. Why would I go to Vegas?
Well....there are the show girls........I MEAN THE SHOWS!!
I need to go to Las Bedroom and see what show I can find on TV to put me to sleep.
Have a rapturous day everyone.
joe
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witter
Any plans for the new year?? Coffee is on! Have a great day all 
Hope these next few work days go easy peasy, and have a rapturous day, as well!
Have an easy peasy day!
