My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.
Ronald Reagan
US president during radio microphone test.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween
party, and I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
But he says, "Not big enough!"
So she brings out a bigger one.
"Still not big enough!"
So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf.
"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.
So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not To Be Heard During Surgery1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
9. "[blip], there go the lights again...."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been
taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the
weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist
at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people
and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to
be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to
be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every
scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Here we go!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....".
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Sh-t" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
~~~~~~~~~~~
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Stories For The Year 20351. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking --[blip]
you, Chelsea!
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.
4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.
8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6
million.
9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.
10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball
players threaten to strike.
11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits
$2,000. Protests planned.
14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.
17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
18. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online
experience." Congress considering a law to tax it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
How are we all this morning?
If you know how everyone else is doing I'll be so surprised, but would you mind letting me know how I'm doing?
Just shoot me an email.
Today is supposed to be the warmest day of the week at around 50 degrees, and I don't have anything to do other than taking Baby out walking. Yesterday when we went to the woods it was very cold, but sunny. It didn't bother Baby at all, but I could hear my bones knocking together.
Tomorrow is supposed to stay at the freezing point all day, and get down to 18 degrees tomorrow night. That'll be the coldest day of the week.
I go back to work on Friday, but then I work three days, have two days off, work three days, have two days off, work three days, & have another 4 days off.
Tough month....
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Haroula and everyone. Joe we are freezing here and it's going to snow and get even colder! 
Have an easy peasy day!
Do you think I could have some after I get home from work tonight about 8:45? I really could use a pick me up. I'm finally starting to feel better. I've had this awful cold for almost a week now and it was starting to depress me. The thought of BB pancakes will make me so much better plus if there are any left I plan on making an absolute pig of myself.
Cool collectible!