It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the human body, which organ is in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an a--hole.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering
a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying Creep!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.
He turns to be defendant and says, "You are also charged with killing a jogger with
a shovel."
"[blip] tightwad!" the same man in the gallery blurted out.
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge.
To the defendant, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You four-flusher!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley, "If you don't tell me right now the reasons
for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered, "I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never
had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Shortest Books Ever Written
* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even [blip] anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble pooping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I poop every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and
meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband
could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions
of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from
her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and
see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about
30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for supper?". No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
supper?"
"For the FIFTH time, we're having CHICKEN!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience.
Some examples:
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".
Tony Bennett: "I Left My Teeth in San Francisco."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
IT'S HUMP DAYYYYY!
That's all I have to say about that.
I have two days left to relax and enjoy myself, before my parole is up, and I go back in.
I'm still praying the Governor will pardon me, and commute my sentence with time served.
If he doesn't, he's not getting any more votes from me.
Gotta go now, I've been doing laundry, and I need to go fold my prison blues.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
So I'll get the coffee going,wishing every body a warm day! 
Have an easy peasy day!
Hopefully I'll be able to resume my regular posting schedule as well. Plus, I get my weekends back. 
