Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."
- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch:
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas Professional Engineering Exam1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. '66 Ford Fairlane B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C. '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour,
how many radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in
a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter
is 14". How many Budweiser tall-boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be
the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation.
The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine.
When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The
man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph.
The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to
avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles
that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift.
A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that
has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window?
Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that, the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name" the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to be with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both thirty-five," she responded breathlessly.
"You don't say! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy walks into a bar and ask the bar tender for a drink. He gets his drink and minds his own business and looks up and down the bar. To his amazement, he is stunned to see a 10' pianist on top of the bar. "Hey bartender," he says..."What is that 10' pianist doing on top of your bar?" "Well, you see this lamp?" asks the bartender. "Rub this lamp and you can make a wish, and you will see why I have a 10' pianist on the bar." So the man rubs the lamp and he wishes for a million bucks. All of a sudden, the doors pop open and a million ducks come flying into the bar. "Hey wait a minute!" says the man. "I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks." The bartender looks at him and says..."I didn't want a 10' pianist either."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy
cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a
double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very
valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat
for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch
mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could
throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to eat and it'll save me from
having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this
week I've sold ninety-eight cats."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at
breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his
wife,
"You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned
home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered
the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection
(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh
ground pepper.
8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Over the Hump, and land with a Thump, and down to the end we roll.
It's been a nice week being off, but a pretty cold one. Yesterday I went out to take Baby for a walk, and didn't make it around the whole block it was so cold.
It was so cold that people were turning their refrigerators off, and putting their food outside.
It was so cold I saw a family of penguins move in across the street.
Baby was fine with being out in the cold, but when she found a nice piece of chicken by someone's trash can, she was content to run back home and dine-in.
Now I can stay up late one more night. I figure I'll stay up all the way till 10:00.
I don't know though. I've already taken the sleeping pills 30 or 40 minutes ago, and I may not make it another 30 or 40 minutes.
I'd better stay up in my bed then. That way, if I fall asleep, I won't have far to fall.
Have a happy day everyone.
Ana, & Nan I hope all is well this morning, and you're not having too much pain.
Bets I hope all is well with Cory.
joe
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witter
its a kitty kinda day 
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Karen and venus. Joe keep smiling. Ana hope all is well with you. Karen keep the faith! Venus hope you feel better. Coffee is hot and ready! Happy Day wished for All! 
Came out of the eye doc appointment this morning, bright and early, to SNOW!!! Glad that is over with since we had to take the bridge over the St. Louis River to Duluth and now it is really slippery with the snow. Good timing.
So glad you could see the clock last night. I hope the next one is just as successful. 
