It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it.
Mae West
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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.
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Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck.".
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Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.".
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Stephen Wright JokesI spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'
I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch'. I hardly ever unroll it.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday; twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My (new) phone has no 'five' on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know, my calendar has no 'seven's on it.'
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says 'Here, you can go.'
I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, 'Hey, these records are all blank.'
I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor.'
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
If you take an Oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'Hi,' and she said, 'Hi,' and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?' and she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. I'm Bucky Goldstein.'
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
You know that feeling when you lean back too far on a stool and catch yourself just before you fall backwards? I feel like that all the time.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well......WELCOME TO THE WEEKEND!!
The worst thing about working this weekend is not that I have to be there at 6:00 today. It's that I have to close tomorrow night, and miss the Cowboy's playoff game.
I will record it of course, and hope it doesn't get spoiled for me by someone spouting off the results.
Oops!
Did I say I have to be there at 6:00 today???
Gotta get to bed.
Have a happy day everybody.
joe
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No plans for tomorrow. I'll probably use the opportunity to rest some more, maybe play a game if I feel up to it. Kitty version Venus is on my lap now, trying to make me feel better. 
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, venus, and Haroula. Hope you all have a sunny day. Coffee is ready. Happy 
so much for all the Prayers & well wishes 
