A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
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More Sports Quotes“I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.”
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
“I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, ‘Dave Wehrmeister’s got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?’”
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner
“Raise the urinals.”
-Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes
“The only reason I don’t like playing in the World Series is I can’t watch myself play.”
-Reggie Jackson
Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis.”
Christina Aguilera to Tiger Woods, after he told her he loved her music.
“They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.”
-Baseball player Tito Fuentes, after getting hit by a pitch.
“I’m a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife.”
-Baseball player Mike Greenwell
“It’s permanent, for now.”
-Cincinnati Red Roberto Kelly, announcing his new name would be “Bobby.”
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These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company. Clients were asked for a brief statement describing their particular car accident, and this is what they wrote.1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I am soooo about to fall asleep, and I hope it's a long long time before I fall awake again.
I had a good day at work today, but it was a hard day, and my back is trying to go out on me, and leave me here alone.
If it keeps going out on me I'm filing for a divorce.
I couldn't remember how to spell divorce until I sang that Tammy Wynette song.
That's almost as bad as me getting up at 4:40 this morning, thinking I was supposed to get up at 3:30, and I had overslept.
I ran out of my anti-dementia pills.
I'd better get to bed asap then, before I forget that I want to.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
It will be a long day. 
