Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Here are some more really funny sayings, witty quotes, cute and clever bumper sticker quotes, and interesting thoughts. Some are pretty funny, a few are hilarious, some are painfully true, and some are clever and witty. (and of course, some of these are pretty stupid sayings and dumb sayings that aren’t that amazing… )
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can’t have everything….where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who didn't wait.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword… get shot by those who don’t.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He’s not dead… he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Here’s a story about the jobs I had and tried to get. My Top 20 Jobs: A punny story.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but, I just didn’t have the thyme to find a recipe for success.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory, but I quit for the sole reason that I just didn’t fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but when I got home I was just too drained.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but I found my task very weighty, and they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
Good morning everyboomie.
I've found a new show on the Scifi channel, that I'm hooked on after only 2 episodes, because it uses a subject that is near and dear to me. Time travel.
It's called 12 Monkeys. Anybody here watching it?
I'm a frequent time traveler.......whenever I have time.
No I really am, and I can prove it.
Right now I'm coming to you live from yesterday.
Yesterday for me was day before yesterday for you.
I wanted to catch a program on TV that I missed, so I came back to watch it. After it's over I'm going to sleep another 8 hours and then I'll catch up with you guys tomorrow....which is today for you.
See ya tomorrow, and we'll all have a happy day.