It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.
~Ben Bergor
~~~~~~~~~~~

Top 50 Funniest English Mistakes from New English Language Students

That night, we went skin dipping- Just the two of us!
You mean you went skinny dipping?
It is called skinny dipping? But I’m not very skinny!
Well, that’s what they call it if you go swimming nude.
What is “Nude?”
Nude means Naked. No clothes or swimsuits.
Naked? No! I would never skin dip naked! There are little slippery fish everywhere! We skinned dipped with our underwear over us.
~~~~~~~~~~~

We were lovers,
but now she is my biggest enema!
~~~~~~~~~~~

We have hated each other for so long.
I want to borrow the hatchet.
~~~~~~~~~~~

My relationship with my
ax girlfriend was so painful.
~~~~~~~~

Do you like this food?
I made it from scratching!
~~~~~~~~~~~

I never liked mushrooms,
but now they are starting to grow in me.
~~~~~~~~~

Do you like your coffee cremated?
~~~~~~~~~

Are you hungry? I have dirty toes.
You have what?
Dirty toes. In my back pack.
Um, can you spell that?
Maybe D-O-R-I-T-O-S. Do you
Want to try one?
No thanks. I’m not so hungry
right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

—Put the cabbages in salt water.
Then sit in the sink until the morning.
—Add two cups of ground flowers.
—Next, chop all the vegetarians
into little pieces.
—Then add small feces of fish.
—Don’t forget to insult the soup.
—Next, add a little Buddha
and mix it all up.
—When you are finished cooking,
find a suitable bowel and eat it with chopsticks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night, when I ate dinner I started joking.
My friend hit my back very hard
until I stopped.
I was so lucky he was there!
~~~~~~~~~~~

A cold is caused by micro-orgasms in your nose.
~~~~~~~~

I had a little ass dent this morning but I’m okay now.
~~~~~

My leg has been breaking for three weeks.
~~~~~~~~~

It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant.
~~~~~~~~~

I have a very kinky neck.
~~~~~~~~~~

I probably should have gone to the doctor
one ear ago.
~~~~

I want my face to have
the buttocks treatment.
The what?
The buttocks treatment. It makes your
wrinkles go away. It’s very famous
in Hollywood.
Oh. It’s pronounced “bo tox”.
That’s it. The buttocks treatment.
Maybe you need it too a little.
~~~~~~~~~

I always ate lunch at school.
But every day my mother made me suffer.
~~~~~~~~~

My bed has three blankets
and a large guilt my parents gave me.
~~~~~~

My father met us at the airport
and gave me a big hog.
Then he hogged my wife.
~~~~~~~~~

Me and my brother share
a small womb in the basement.
~~~~~~

We live on the sex floor.
Our apartment is small but we have a nice view.
~~~~~~~~~

I have something exciting to tell you.
My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!
~~~~~~~~~

The groom was wearing
A very nice croissant.
~~~~~~~~

He lifted the veal off her face
and gave her a big kiss.
~~~~~~~~~~

This morning, I was walking outside,
when suddenly a big shower fell on me!
~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday I had strong wind here.
~~~~~~

Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful
about that. Once a car starts lusting,
there’s no way to stop it.
~~~~~~~~

The entire country has been
devastated by a long trout.
~~~~~~~~~~

When a volcan explodes, millions
of tons of larva can bury a city
~~~~~~~


I am so eager to mate you!
~~~~~~~

Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?
~~~~~~~~~~

You look sad today. Do you want to expose yourself to me?
~~~~~~~~~

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t write my essay.
My roommate had a toothache this morning.
So you couldn’t write your essay?
Yes! She was swelling and decaying badly!
~~~~~~~~~~~


Once I tripped all the way to Hawaii.
~~~~~~

How far should I tip the driver?
~~~~~~~~~

I heard California is full of nude peaches.
~~~~~~~~~

In some countries, you should only drink the water
a tourist already drank. Maybe it will taste bad,
but it will not have poison.
~~~~~~~~~

You can’t sleep with me because it is
too crowded. But you can probably
sleep with my sister. That’s what most
of my friends do when they visit.
~~~~~~~~~

The cheerleaders threw up high into the air!
~~~~~~

The police were attacked by a large group
of angry mops.
~~~~~~~

The article said there are only maybe five thousand beers left in B.C. This is a very serious problem… I think maybe we should only let very small people go beer hunting every year.
~~~~~~~~

Christians believe if they do not sin they will have salivation.
~~~~~~~~~~

If you don’t believe in God your spit can go to hell.
~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.


Alrighty then, the party's over and I'm back to the funny farm at 5:00am.


You would probably think that after having like 16 days off in January, I would be ready to get back at it, right?


Wrong!......


I'm sorry, I mean {{{{WRONG!!!}}}


Actually yes. As long as I'm working on resets, I really enjoy being there, but I am not ready for Summer, and the closer we get to Summer, the warmer the temperature gets, the lower my mood will get.


Hmmm, we used to have a smiley up there with his tongue out, and a really nasty attitude. I need him now.


Oh well, it's just as well he's not there anymore. I always have to clean the slobber off my screen when I use him.


Have a happy day everyone. You're the best.



joe

Have a great Monday Boomers.

Joe,

It is not the that you used?
There's a Christmas - is this what you want?
If so - tell me and I'll try to modify.

to everyone! Enjoy the day!

Have a terrific Monday Joe, Space Quest, MaG and all who come in after me.

I'm off to sleep for a much earlier Monday than I'd intended. We're supposed to get hit with a snow storm tomorrow, and I want to go in as early as possible to be ahead of it, as my car does not handle snow well. Which means I have to be up at 1:30 in order to be in at 3 am. Oh well, I'm only scheduled for 4 hours, and I can always sleep when I get home.

Thanks to all those who wished me luck with the hours! I'm going to try to talk with the manager on Tuesday. Tomorrow probably won't be doable, as I'm going in so early.

Okay, off to sleep. Hope everyone has a great Monday.

Happy Monday all! Back to PT today!

Morning Boom Boom Boomers

Hi ya Joe, Space,MaG, Venus, Ana, Connie, Sue, Gerry. Gail, Midge, Nan, Yankee, L4L, Haroula, manxman, Darlene, sorta, Trippy & all else who come in
Joe's awesome diner!

Hi ya Yankee I live about 2 hours from the Pacfic ocean, I love the ocean! I live right by Puget sound the bay~ its just like the ocean we have Ferry boats

Have fun in the snow Gail, Gerry & Midge

not feeling so good gonna take it east lay around
and read
Have a nice Monday Boomers~Karen

Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, MaG, venus, Ana and Karen. Coffee is ready. We are in for a Blizzard today. Some forecasts

are predicting from 2 to 3 feet of snow here! We could have winds up to 60 miles per hour so the potential for loosing

power is high! Bitter cold temperatures too. Hope everyone stays safe today!

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a great day!

Space, happy Monday!

MaG, enjoy the day today!

Venus, hope you have an easy workday.

Ana, no pain-no gain. Work hard with PT today. It's worth it in the long run.

Karen, sorry you're not feeling well.

Sue, are you braced for the blizzard?

Gerry, We're in the same boat. I can't believe how bad the blizzard will be. Praying we don't loose power. I think that's the worst in these storms. I can only imagine what it's going to be like. Probably like the blizzard of 78 from what is predicted.

Connie, enjoy the day when you come in.

Wishing everyone a great day! Not looking forward to this weather approaching. 2 ft. of snow and high winds to look forward to makes for a lousy few days.

Good morning boomers. Hope everyone has a warm and magnificent Monday

Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Malcontent Monday is content!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!

Joe you need to plan vacation for the hot days. May work go well and the time fly. Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Space have a lovely day!

MaG have a lovely day!

Ana best of luck with PT!! We actually got an inch or two of snow and a little freezing rain last night. Might not last long though as they are talking mid to upper 30's for today! It's crazy but I am loving it. Have a lovely day!

venus that is way too early to be heading to work. Sleep fast. May work be fun and go well. Have a lovely day!

Aw Karen HUGS! Sorry you aren't feeling the best. Sending healing prayers your direction! Have a lovely day!

Gerry and Gail do be safe in the storm and may your power remain on! Gerry thanks for the coffee! Have a lovely day Gerry and Gail!

Manxman have a lovely day!

Darlene may work go smoothly and you have a lovely day!


Nan

A happy Monday to all! I woke up to NOT 40 degrees like yesterday and most of last week, but SEVENTY and climbing at 7am! Seems we not only are having a Santa Ana condition (wind blows from the desert to the sea) but now a Tropical Storm from the South. Really creepy outside. Sorta dark, but a major wind blowing in gusts, DRY, no rain in sight yet. Cats are all very skittish. And the warm dry air is mixing with moist HOT air from the storm. Gonna be a fun day weatherwise.

Had fun yesterday with the empty house too. See Sorta'a Neighborhood for details.

Woohoo, Joe, you got the title right! I have spent the morning on the phone with BrightHouse and am now ready to explode. If I have a heart attack and a stroke it will be their fault!!!! I am very Malcontent!

I Must do bills today. Been trying to do them for days and life just continues to get in my way. Diving in!

I'm here, I'm here!!!

Didn't realize I had not been here for awhile. Just blame it on my Kindle and good books and fun games. Oh my.

Cory is doing well but still has a little problem walking when he first gets up. Have to walk him on the grass until his toenails grow out and the two that are worn down heal up. Once he is up and around, he does pretty good. Has a little problem on slick floors though. He is such a good boy. Lyric loves him.

Cold here today but I am glad we are not getting any of that snow in the N.E. Guess I will see what the temp is then maybe take Lyric for a walk.

A great day to everyone.

Bets

Bets, glad Cory is doing better. We had to cover all our slick floors for Keoki as he slips on them. It doesn't look pretty but keeps my boy safe

What have you been reading?

Hi all, bye all -busy day today.

Karen get better/heal up and that's an order!!! /really, take good care of yourself. Millions of years ago when I was little, we went to South Portland Maine every summer and spent alot of time at the ocean and I loved it. i would live there but the winters are too cold.

Happy monday

Hi all.

Hi, Yankee, bye, Yankee

Haroula, how's your day been?

shovel/repeat

Bring back the sun

Eeeeek! Watch your back.

Hello everybody.

I hope you're all having a great day.

My work day was ok, but something put me in a bad mood as soon as I walked through my department and saw what they had done while I was off, so I walked around grumpily mumbling to myself all day.

One co-worker even asked me why I was being rude. I had to apologize to her of course. I wasn't trying to be rude. I was just avoiding people.

MaG this was the little nasty guy, and that's exactly how I felt most of the day.

I'm ok now, and tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow. You're always a day away.

BrightHouse L4L?? Dare I ask? Hope it's all better now.

Hope you didn't get too much snow Space Quest Fan.

I have another very early day tomorrow, so I've gotta get out of here and get started on tomorrow's diner.

Have a good night everyone.


joe

Joe, what did they do to your department?

BrightHouse...yes, we don't have a choice of cable provider. If we want it, it's them or no one. They have been out here 5 times in the last couple of months and each time, they have a different opinion as to why we have net, cable, phone problems. 3 times they have told us they were sending out line guys only to not have it happen. A couple of times they have gone to the wrong house and then marked us as not home. Today they told us that even though I was having phone problems, it was company policy that if I didn't answer the phone when the tech called, they would not come out. Phone not working, it's your company, what are they not getting? I am at my wits end, and considering I really need my wits, this is not good.

So, anyway, tech showed up. Checked some stuff, changed something, and we shall see.

Joe,

Sorry it's such a day for you.

Awwww MaG! YOu rock!

Awww L4L I think we all know how you feel when dealing with a big company like that. Do you not have companies like Dish there?

Thank you MaG!! You are awesome.

Hi Ana. Hope you not in pain tonight.

joe