Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
~Phyllis Diller
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Everyone loves a little bit of wordplay. English is an amazingly versatile language and being able to twist it into new and amazing forms while still being technically correct is fantastic talent to have. Why yes, I am a lexophile, which is to say, a lover of words. I’m also an autodidact but that’s something else entirely (and something I’ll let you figure out for yourself). Anyways, puns, like pizza, can be either really good or really bad, there’s no in-between. And no, I’m not trying to be punny. Below you’ll find some of the choicest puns around, puns for the lexophile in all of us (unlike the one I just made).
From Innocentenglish web site.1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
16. A calendar’s days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
46. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I am trying to fall asleep again tonight, and can't wait to go horizontal.
The problem is, this little exercise I do every night seems to stimulate my mind so much, (not used to thinking real hard), that I have trouble falling asleep anyway, especially if I pop a good one and want to see what your comments are.
You'd think if I stimulated my brain that much it would be exhausted, and I'd be asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Not so my sleepy friends.
Nope
Someone said the best cure for insomnia is the alarm clock, so now I set my alarm for 30 minutes after I get in bed.
It goes off, I shut it off, and I doze off.
I think I maybe should get a second alarm clock though.
I've been late to work the last three days.
Have a stimulating day everyone.
joe
PS: Thank you MaG.
acebook
witter
Reminds me of the situation on Lost, where Desmond had to push the button every 108 minutes. 
Hope you have a terrific day, and that you get plenty of sleep.
And no more PT on my right arm. I'm doing better on my own so no need to go in anymore.
It's no wonder I remember hearing many times, "It's too nice a day to play indoors." 
and at some point bit my tongue. Then early this morning the noise from the Air Force base here started. We are right under the flight path and sometimes they start quite early. Didn't help that I couldn't get to sleep until after 3am. These big fighter jets make a ton of noise. They are super busy right now but don't know why. Then I started getting early robo calls on the phone, so I gave up. 
