If we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find that we have lost the future.
Sir Winston Churchill
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A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket," said the armless
man, "you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks,
and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
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Three guys work on a constuction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunchbag and sighs deeply, saying, ''If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building.'' The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says '' If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says ''I'm with you guys.''
The next day the lunch bell rings.The white man opens his lunch. He says, ''Turkey sandwich. I love my wife.'' The black guy opens his lunch. He says, ''Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said '' See ya guys.'' With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says '' I feel sorry for him. ''The white man replies, ''Why?'' The black guy said, ''Because he packed his own lunchs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What
are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's.
The
hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter
responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice,
telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They found it beneficial to write things down so as not to forget them.
One evening they were sitting in the parlor and Haley said, "Ben, be a dear and go to the kitchen and fix me a dish of ice cream and put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it. And, Ben, write it down so you don't forget the peanuts."
"That's a good idea, Dear." Ben said, and wrote it on the notepad and headed for the kitchen.
Ben was in the kitchen for a while, and returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. Haley looked at it and said, "Oh Ben, you forgot the breakfast toast."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Boy oh boy, I'm having trouble holding my eyes open.
This long day is finally coming to an end here pretty quick.
As you may know, when I have to be at work at 5:00 I get up at 3:30am.
It makes me tired just thinking 'bout it.
Because I ain't the young stud I used to be, when I have to get up that early, I try and get to bed
aeap (as early as possible).
Last night was the earliest that I've ever gotten to bed and asleep.
I was in bed asleep by 7:40.
When I woke up I felt pretty refreshed, but when I rolled over and looked at my clock I got a rude awakening.
It was 8:45.
Needless to say I bolted out of bed and started getting dressed. I figured I'd skip breakfast and just hop in the car and make a mad dash for work, but then I decided that since I was already three hours late, I may as well eat breakfast. I can't get in any more trouble.
I started to call in and let them know I was alive and well, just running late, but for some reason I didn't.
I was extremely upset, because this would mean that instead of getting off of work at 2:00, it would now be 6:00 or 7:00.
After I ate breakfast I got some coffee, and got on my computer to check out the diner before I left.
Now..........there were a couple of things that seemed odd to me, but my thoughts were all about getting out of here, and to work asap.
I couldn't understand why my alarm clock had not rang to wake me.
I couldn't understand why Baby stayed in bed and looked at me like I was nuts, instead of hopping out of bed an doing the happy dance while I got dressed.
I couldn't understand why no one had tried to contact me.
I noticed that the sun was coming up when I got out of bed, but when I was ready to leave for work at 9:30, after breakfast and two cups of coffee, it seemed that it had gotten darker.
That was just weird.
Also when I got to Gameboomers to check out the diner, the only person who had posted anything all night was SpaceQuest Fan. Hmmmmmmm
I was about to leave when I realized something was very wrong. Never let it be said that I'm a quick study.
When I finally started to put two, and two together, I got five.
It was 9:30 alright...........9:30 at night.
I had only slept for an hour.
Can you say
Dementia?
So I went and got undressed and crawled back into bed with a very befuddled look on my face.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I hope you got back to sleep and off to work on time.The coffee is ready for all who need it! Ana I hope your rash is going away,a sunny day is wished for all 
Either way today was the only day for the month that there will be court as the judge will be away on business the rest of the month. So.....I am good to go for another three/four years.
Good thing hubby is going to be off tomorrow...we will be going faucet shopping (among other things)