What is most beautiful in virile men is something feminine; what is most beautiful in feminine women is something masculine.
Susan Sontag (1933 - 2004), Against Interpretation, 1966
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor, after a thorough examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After three martinis, mother and daughter were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't want any of those women sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
And THAT, my friends, is "Putting Your Affairs In Order"!!
~~~~~~~~~~~
The Black Bra
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(you are going to love this.....)
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: -
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness ....
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
Wine does not make you FAT ...- it makes you LEAN .....
(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25' we have a husband down.' Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Safeway store. The husband picks up a box of beer and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them!' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the cart.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does a crate of beer, and it's half the price.'
He didn't have time to duck.
~~~~~~~~~
Good morning ever buddy.
YAHOO I"M ON VACATION!!! 
It's a mini vacation.
I don't get very mini.
It's a one day thing.
My stupor-visor is not very happy with me. There will be no one at all in our department tomorrow until about 4:00.
I'm real sorry about that.
No wait......
.....Nope.........No I'm not sorry about it at all.
My vacation request was approved 2 months ago.
We had 2 more people working in our department until my department manager ran them off.
It seems nobody can stand the stress of working in my department.
Then again nobody else ever does much work there anyway.
I try my darndest to avoid work too, whenever possible.
I work when I have to though. That's usually whenever a customer corners me, and I can't get away.
Well I'm being paged by Mr Sandman, and I'd better answer.
I still have catching up to do.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Rainy weather here since yesterday 
I'm just glad it's not snow like Ana got!Coffee is ready! Have a grand day all 
Yesterday it was in the 60s. This morning it's in the 20s! Burrrr!! Hope you all have a warm and happy day! 
Sun should get rid of it when it comes out. Got a Doc's appointment this morning then a nice quiet day.
Karen 
I did my Insanity class and then ran the dogs at the river and i've been in the corner since. Unfortunately, I'd rather go back to bed. It must be the weather, I feel like I am wilting. 
