Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen
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Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth."
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20 Ways to Annoy Everybody1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.
2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5) Improvise Italian operas.
6) Gossip about someone to their face.
7) Answer every question with a question.
8) Repeat yourself constantly.
9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10) Repeat yourself constantly.
11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12) Repeat yourself constantly.
13) Change what you repeat every now and then.
14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15) Change what you repeat every now and then.
16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.
18) Change what you repeat every now and then.
19) One word: Caffeine.
20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
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Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
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Signs That You're BrokeAt communion you go back for seconds.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.
McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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25 Fun Pool Activities1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."
9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."
11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"
13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.
21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.
22) Throw people's things into the pool.
23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
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An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.
The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."
The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"
The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
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Good morning everyboomie.
A fine morning I think.
It's so clear outside I can see all the way to the cloud bottoms that hide the sun.
They look all wet and weepy.
Perhaps there'll be more rain today.
No problem by me. I work from 3:00 till midnight tonight. It may as well be cool......as well.
I hope you all have a cool day too.
joe
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I sure hope you don't have to be back at work early Saturday! 
Good Morning joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee is ready. Enjoy your day! 
Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and have a great TGIF!
Have an easy peasy day!
Gee Trippy, I really missed you. Are you OK? L4L I hope your visit with your sister is wonderful. I'll be looking for my pillow soon. Night all.